(Head)Set me off...

Another gaming blog.
To make up for this expect my next 5 blog entries to be about Czech animator Jan Svankmajer.

I bought Max Payne 3 a month or so ago, great game, I recommend it...bla bla bla.
Anyway, I was on Multiplayer mode when the expected happened, I saw somebody had a headset on. Fair enough, par for the course, he was obviously talking to friends and team members. He was probably also playing with the controller at a inelegant tilt and a guffawish expression that is the bastard child between innate confusion and sexual thrill. Just like HOW EVERYBODY PLAYS EVER.

There's a high probability that the controller is plugged into nothing .

5 minutes went by and it was clear that he wasn't using his headphone to communicate with other players, he just had it on because HE HAS A HEADSET AND IS AWESOME FUCK YOU EVERYBODY. So every so often I'd just hear a crude electronic garbling of 'FUCKING HELL' and 'GOD DAMN IT', like a  bootlegged recording of a member of Daft Punk stubbing their toe. What's the point of communicating to other players if it's going to be nothing but a tirade of anger and rage on par with something the neighbours would report.
He abruptly stopped later on, I've no idea why but I'll pull something out of a hat to explain why...........
'You will find good earnings in a friend'.
Ok, well those are fortune cookie notes in this hat....I'll work on that later.

When he came back it wasn't just him, it was his entire family joining in. In the background arguing. Having muted conversations between overlapping sentences. I could hear everything that was going on in his immediate area, it was disconcerting and a rather uncomfortable breach of somebody's private life. I felt like a member of the Stasi.
I wasn't getting the shrill, vulgar side of the generic (yet prominent) spectrum. I was getting a candid expose into 25 minutes of this persons family life, and the sheer nonchalant bravado with which he failed to care made me uncomfortable...


Headsets aren't compulsory, this isn't a Seal team infiltration mission or a Mcdonalds drive through, wearing them for a game seems somewhat insecure at times. As if you feel indebted to a headset, because you MUST GET YOUR MONEYS WORTH OUT OF IT OR ELSE IT'S A WASTE AND YOU KNOW IT IS. It'd be nice if people thought before they purchased one, a few integral questions would benefit everybody.
() Am I going to use this for games that need it?
()Am I just going to wear it and shout at/belittle other players?
()Am I going to play music/have it too close to the screen so EVERYBODY else gets an irritating fluctuation of jabbering sound.
()Can I string together a cohesive sentence that doesn't need to be built upon the stonework of profanities, racism, and being a sore loser?

For lack of a better adjective, wearing them myself feels rather...awkward. It's laborious to describe, leave me alone OK?! It's a jarring social experience with regards to communicating, it's what I imagine translating for a hostage is like, or calling a phone sex line.

"Stop using the noob tube you fucking retard"

They're a double edged sword. For me personally, I find them rather awkward and less 'socially expansive' than they'd appear to be, muted silence with the occasional forced responses or orders, that may be just like a real combat experience sure, but like a real combat experience, that doesn't exactly strike me as fun on the bun. But at the end of the day I can always just mute everybody, lest I have a gaming experience on par with when Professor X's powers spaz out and he can hear the everybody's thoughts.

So much racism...

New sitcom, THE LGBT theory

Producer Chuck Lorre, talent behind  Two and a Half Men, Mike & Molly and The Big Bang Theory, has created some of the most accepting, tolerant, and boundary breaking sitcoms of the past decade. Shows not built on outdated stereotypes and characters rife for audience bullying and mockery, NO DAMN WAY.

THIS MAN KNOWS PEOPLE

He's currently working on a new show, about THOSE CRAZY LESBIANS.
Here's a script from the pilot episode.

THE LGBT THEORY
PILOT EPISODE
"Lez be friends"

JO Enters the flat, wearing dungarees and purple lipstick, she looks like Lisbeth Salander and DECRIES THE EXISTENCE OF MEN. She calls for her girlfriend SANDRA.

JO
Sandra, Sandra are you in?

SANDRA
(Off screen)
Oh, I love you Dyke.

JO
WHAAAAAT?

SANDRA
Oh, hey Jo! Sorry I’m in here. I was just watching Mary Poppins! I love Dick Van Dyke.

JO
I’m not a fan of the first part!

SANDRA
I hear that! Also, I’m surprised I found the time to watch it, what with The L Word DVD Boxsets I’ve had on repeat for the past 2 weeks! Good thing the DVD player broke!

JO
Do we need to get it fixed? How about Steve?

SANDRA
A MAN? Are you maaaaaad!

JO
Nope, I managed to put my Dungarees on today!! Well, we could get a new one, and you can pay me back when you get a job! How’s the job search going?

SANDRA
Well, nobody cares for my CV and skills.

JO
That’s because all you put was softball player, not showering and knowledge of pickup trucks!

SANDRA
That’d get me plenty of jobs!

JO
Like what?

SANDRA
Unhygienic truck driver for a softball team...

JO
I’ll go ask Steve for a new one when he gets back from work.

SANDRA
Steve doesn’t have a job, he just makes it up!

JO
He works at the Nail and hair Salon.

SANDRA
Exactly, made up!

Jo sighs and goes to hang her coat up, the cupboard has twenty pairs of dungarees in. Sandra walks round the corner, she's big and fat and wearing doc martens and has no make up and has like shaved hair and stuff. (Check google images later to clarify)

SANDRA
Well, if you're meeting Steve can you ask him for my K.D Lang CD back?

JO
Which one...?

SANDRA
All you can eat

JO
I know that. I mean, which one, you have like fifteen different versions of that album!

SANDRA
I'm SOOOOOOOOO GAAAAY!

JO
Can't you meet him yourself?

SANDRA
Uhhh, no. People might think we're....you know....a couple! It'd be sooooo embarassing.

JO
Hey, you're LES-being ridiculous!

Uproarious studio applause, millions of TV viewers and critical accolades due to the carefully crafted characters and many layers of humour woven throughout the nuanced relationships and intricate examinations of gay people.

So yeah! Hopefully this gets JUST AS MUCH PRAISE and viewing figures as his other shows, I'm sick of the other comedy shows on the air.
SICK OF THEM AND THEIR RESPECT FOR AN AUDIENCE DUE TO COMPLEX CHARACTERS AND REINVIGORATING OLD STEREOTYPES WITH NEW LIFE AND JOKES.

So....I'm going to leave this right here.

Things Mitt Romney can do that aren't as bad as his slandering of half the country

So, I'm not American, but I'm aware of their culture. They have TV shows and Baseball and Werewolves in London.
They also have Presidents, presumably because they needed something to put on their money. The current president is Barrack Obama, and I think he's an exploding nebula of brilliance.
Running against him is Republican Mitt Romney, a cross between a Mormon Action Man and a Just for Men spokesman who'd go to the park even if he didn't have any kids.


Obama brings two flavours of Pringles because he doesn't know which one you prefer.
Obama understands some people don't like hugs, and is totally cool with it if you refuse.
Obama lets you play with the 1st controller when you visit his house.
Obama doesn't pressure you to return that DVD box set you borrowed because he understands it's a lot of episodes to take in and people have other things going on in their life regardless of quality television.
Obama is a goats cheese Pizza.

Mitt Romney offers you a lift and asks for petrol money, even if you live the same way.
Mitt Romney asks questions like 'DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?!/DID YOU SEE THAT?' during a movie.
Mitt Romney is a screwdriver in America's kneecaps.
Mitt Romney is a faulty smoke alarm going off while you're having a poo.
Mitt Romney dances in his seat at a cinema whenever a familiar song plays in a movie.
Mitt Romney is a hollowed out scum-puppet full of outdated prejudices, elitist sensibilities and the smile of an alcoholic Geography Teacher burning a cardboard box full of Mr Men books whilst spitting in a jar labelled 'Essence'.

It's a schoolyard fight between that guy who lends his Gameboy to poorer kids and somebody who punches the girls he likes while calling them fat.
Seriously, Obama is beyond cool.



I know pictures of a President playing with Lego or a toy Lightsaber aren't the best at highlighting his policies, but this isn't that sort of blog. Go Google it or read a paper. I'm here for drole stupidity and so forth.

A private recording was recently made available to the media wherein Mitt Romney complained that 47% of the country expect the government to provide food stamps, social security cheques, healthcare, housing etc. You know, those things that Government's are kind of...there for.
It's verbatim to a skeleton complaining that people expect it to stop them from sliding about the floor in a grotesque pile of pink.

Funny Metaphorical Image=Hilarity

Romney has obviously stepped over the line of 'fucking up', to a point where his standing with half the country is on par with a septic intestine leaking onto your dinner, so here's a list of awful things he can do now he's pretty much KIA.

• Admit to being a fan of the movie The Hottie and The Nottie.
• Punch a child whilst dressed as Ryu from Street Fighter.
• Call The diary of Anne Frank 'A load of poorly written emo shit'
• Refer to 9/11 as 'A mass recycling of bricks'
• Streak at a school sports day draped in an Aryan Flag.
• Announce his hatred of The Dark Knight trilogy.
• State that he judges people based on movie preference.
• Give food to the homeless only on the basis that they lick his shoes clean.
• Deny the Holocaust.
• Then announce he does believe in the Holocaust and 'has never laughed so hard'.
• Prefer Duplo to Lego
• Say he does things 'Ironically'.
• Build a jet in the shape of a leper's penis.
• Extract his bile and put it in select packets of skittles.
• Send Farmville requests.
• Hit on that person you like, even though you like totally told him you like them and he was all 'yeah cool, no problem'.
• Say "I know you don't like this sort of music, but listen to this song", while you're in a car with him.
• Text people with 'Call me'.
• Drive an RV into a scarecrow made of charity money and human excrement.
• Punch a child while dressed as Chun Li from Street Fighter.
• Admit he fake tans, and people who don't are 'pale skinned fuckberrys'
• Announce his run for Presidency in 2016.

Fallout New Vegas: Hardcore Mode

Something that could be described as an actual article and not a surreal, pithy sardonic rant about some obscure pop culture?
You betcha.

So last week I decided to see if I could complete Fallout: New Vegas on hardcore mode. A feat described as somewhere between 'irritatingly challenging' and 'nigh on eye gougingly frustrating'.

The thing is, I've never completed the game on any mode. I got bored of it. It frustrated me. It lacked the whimsy and grandiosity of Fallout 3, had far too many laborious backtracking quests, and was at times as broken as a 1918 Russian Economic Policy.

Niche history joke? THAT'S A FIRST.

I'm genuinely not quite sure what prompted this in all honesty. Was it because I wanted to get my £14 worth? Was it because I would appreciate it on such a difficulty and gain a begrudging new found respect for the fame? Was it because it was worth a MOUTH SALIVATING 100 gamerscore, and I am nothing if not some ill controlled gamer-score junkie riddled with lust for overall pointless numbers that somehow represent a monolithic stature of success for lonely miserable chumps?

It was probably because I'm unemployed and no matter what, it'd be far superior than that abysmal drop in quality that was mothership ZETA.

Well done Bethesda, for ruining Aliens, Samurais and the V.A.T.S system. You may as well have given me 4 hours of chipping away at a crusty turd in the shape of a dollar sign.

I estimated it would take me about 60 hours to do this. That's you know...2 seasons of the Mentalist I could catch up on. Yet here I was trying to complete a 6/10 game that I'd gotten bored of on a mode where I didn't have any 'realism' enabled.

 Why was I doing this?

To see if I could.
That’s it. That was s my driving force, not fuelled by enjoyment or any form of interest, just the dolorous, miserable fossil fuel of ‘being able to’. Something akin to a piece of coal shaped like a crying tramp.

“To see if I could” , that’s not a phrase that incites a gamer to play something for 50+ hours. That’s what serial killers reply with when asked why they made a lamp out of skin and fingernails. It’s a phrase that’s more fitting to a sociopath defending his right to furnish his house with items from an IKEA catalogue edited by Clive Barker.

That couch  is soooooo you!

Anyway, long story short, I played it for a week, it was somewhat enjoyable at times, although unfortunately for the game it doesn't so much as 'highlight' the broken gameplay elements as it does douse them in gasoline, strike a match and dance around them.
Here's an example.
()I had to find two items for a scientist fellow. I could only choose ONE at a time to get, because obviously multitasking is for CHUMPS.
()It was a 2 minute journey out of the basement where he resided, and 2 minutes in real time goes arduously slow and boring when you're just moving forward through a sewer.
()I got the item, went back to the basement and did the 2 minute journey back.
()Only THEN did he tell me where the other item was...cue another journey out and me rolling my eyes like a furby plunged into a power socket.

This is irritating in the game on any mode, but on hardcore, add a terrible accuracy mode, getting crippled by the smallest speck of dust flaking off your skin, and having to constantly reload after frustrating death sequences. There's a difference between an 'enjoyable challenge' and burdening a tedious game with more reasons not to play.
So why did I play for a few days? I have no idea. I really don't. It was fun at times, but overall it wasn't enjoyable.
To paraphrase 10cc, it was just a silly phase I was going through. (I also don't like cricket. But that's irrelevant)
I promptly stopped playing it, downloaded the HD remake of Resi 4 and shall never speak of it again.

Good riddance you post apocalyptic red-headed stepchild.

Goosebumps titles II: The roman numerals sequel

I'm a lazy, unoriginal, miserable hack.

Guest article: Tara Coffin.

I'm outsourcing my blog for this article. The following is written by my friend Tara, and I highly recommend reading it (...Just with every other post..a huck huck) It's a serious piece, I've written about it before but in a less fluent and elegant way. I normally just throw words on the page like a Pollock piece made of pop culture references and nouns.



“I know I have a good life. That's what's so depressing. I can't help it.” – Stephen Fry

Nowadays, you hear a lot of people talking about depression. It's got a lot more mainstream as a diagnosis, and it's actually possible to admit you have it without people misunderstanding.But that's still a very rare occurrence.I
have clinical depression. No, I'm not feeling a bit glum today. No, I am not a whiny emo teenager, nor do I need to get outside and smile. 
I have clinical fucking depression. It's not like getting a bit sad, or being upset because someone dumped you, or any of that. If you have depression, genuine depression, then you are spending your life walking around with a great big sack of rocks on your head. You can be happy or laugh or enjoy yourself, and like any illness there are always good days and bad days, but that does not change the fact you have an entire boulder balanced precariously up there. When I first started getting counselling, my mother refused to believe there was anything wrong with me because “people with depression can't get angry”. Considering that having a short temper is one of the ten main symptoms, I'm not entirely sure which part of her first class psychology degree she pulled that out of, but prejudices are always there. One of my friends has been diagnosed for years longer than I have; even when she applied for a job no less than a year ago they asked her why she couldn't snap out of it and be happy. These aren't isolated incidents; ask a person with clinical depression how often they get misunderstood and you'll be there all week.

I think one of the biggest problems is that there is no way of definitively separating medically diagnosed depression with the kind that people are talking about when they say they're feeling depressed that day. If we had two separate words in our language for them, I don't think there would be quite so many issues. Half the time, you tell someone you've got depression and they'll go, “Oh, I was depressed over summer, but I got out in the sun and it was fine” because they don't understand that the two are discrete. There are countless self-help websites that people will spout, suggesting things like going for a walk or dancing in your room, and these are great techniques. If you're sad. Not if you have clinical depression. Like I said, it might make me smile and on a good day it sure as hell cheers me up. But it's not a cure in any way or form.
People without depression often fail to understand that it's actually a reason for not being able to do things sometimes. I always try my hardest not to let my depression own me or control me, because I am not my depression. But there are days I have to stay in bed because the simple act of getting up and facing the world is so daunting that it leaves me in tears. Keeping easy to eat food in my bedroom, like apples and bread, becomes essential on bad days. Anything more exhausting than rolling over to spread peanut butter on some dry crackers can floor me. Fortunately, with cognitive behavioural therapy, medication and learning to recognise the signs of a down-spiral, I can mostly avoid these now.
Sometimes, though, I can't. And on those days, forcing a smile, eating a banana or listening to cheery music won't help. In fairness, neither does lying on the bathroom floor in my pyjamas, but I'm going to do that because it's about all I can manage. Just try to bear with me and be supportive, alright? Talk to me if I need it. Don't try to give advice unless you know what you're talking about. And above all, remember I am still a person.



And now for my contribution, a stupid, stupid, stupid picture.

Goosebumps titles

I remember being a child, a whimsical child, and reading Goosebumps by spooky Jewish writer R.L Stine (His stories were spooky, not his Jewishness.)

Most people I knew bought them solely based on whichever cover looked the most interesting, because children are scum.

Here are what the stories would be titled if the cover was a 100% accurate reflection of the content because I have an asinine sense of humour....

Sigh.