Jumping Jubei Flash. 1860s Samurai as a 1980s radio DJ.

Many greetings to you and your Clan! It is I, Jumping Jubei Flash! And you are listening to the most beautiful and victorious of the modern pop playing stations!
Other stations dishonorable and unedifying! They weak, bend the knee and cower instead of playing nothing but the greatest selection of pop classics and modern hits!

Humorous painting of listeners reactions! 

No prolonged foolishness, let us begin with ode to a lying whore, Billie Jean by Michael Jackson!


This Billie Jean, accuses honorouble Jackson-San (Chamone) of being the father of her weak, maggot son! Disgraceful She-Fox will burn for eternity in the cage of lies she has built for herself!
Jackson-San clearly allowed a mistress as is rite for Samurai (his Brothers had many), but Billie Jean-Kun was not approved by higher ranked officials, therefore Jackson-San would never violate Samurai oath!
Pleasant track, bassline rolls like waves on the sand. Funk is very high, like literacy rate in Kanji!

Listener Susan Dewitt from Kentucky says 'Jubei, can you please play some Tears for Fears?
I certainly can, here is Everybody Wants to Rule The World!


This song has a pleasant jingle, like temple bells in the cool breeze. It is catchy and melody is high spirited, I shall encourage to the young recruits to chant this during drinking sessions.
No talk, moving straight into How Will I know by Whitney Houston! Dig it honourable listeners!



This song reached number one, you are a wise and strong music buying public. Lack of question mark in title irks my intelligent sensibility, but track is strong and energetic. I will tell you Whitney, you will know if he loves you when he brings you finest robes as part of a battle truce. He loves you when he asks you to cook for him, as he wishes to experience your culinary expertise which you must surely have, if not why are we even having this conversation?
He loves you when he is given you as wife to negotiate trade and travel routes with Shinto province.


The other day I was talking to town fool Tsurumaru. He say, "Jubei, I may be town fool. But even I know your station plays nothing but the best music mix!" We laugh. Tsurumaru is correct. I then cut off his thumb for addressing a higher rank without prior permission.

More tracks later! Now, local emporiums wish to deliver their latest wares for your custom!

Justin Bieber visits other world memorials.

Yo, what's hanging party people? I'm J-Beebz and I was totally inspired the other day by my most famous Jewish Fan Anne Frank and her totally awesome house where she fought Hitler during Europe War 2. I've been feeding off her vibe and decided to visit some other totally ripping memorial sites all over the world. So join me and my pet Monkey as I honour those who Beliebed in a great cause.

Yo, I'm here at the 9/11 memorial in New York!! I'm so inspired by those people who died in an environment that was for a great cause with the ability to express themselves, and the people who died in the towers as well.  You never know when danger is going to creep up on you, even if you think your safe, one day you'll find some totally wacked out candy in your fan mail, so I feel for those people in the Twin Towers.

Baby baby baby ooooh baby baby oooh.

What up, I'm here at the holocaust museum in Berlin, it's commemorating all those Jews, like my best girl Anne Frank, who died in a totally lame war. Not cool world!

It's hard growing up, I know that, just a shame none of these guys had the chance to get noticed on youtube with their amazing skills, cause that's what life's all about, and they never got the chance to see it!

But Everything happens for a reason, man, even though this is really bad! But not as bad as abortion, that's like killing a baby!

Biebs out.

Hey Dawgs! I've bought my monkey to the Vietnam war memorial in Washington. The capital of America, which is the capital country of North America!

It's a shame loads of these guys got killed by people, some didn't even have a choice, just like being Gay!

Some of my fans have relatives who got killed here, and I can't tweet them all to make them feel better, it's such a bummer you guys!

I'll write a commemorative song for them. I'm sure they'll all be smiling in heaven as they hear it, except those gay dudes down below!!!

This article, isn't meant to demean any of the memorials involved, I'm sure you might know this because you're hopefully a sane individual. Justin Bieber no longer has the excuse of 'being a child' to defend his ridiculous notions, and it's a shame he chooses to express genuine sincerity before using it as a hook to flog his own ideals or bloated ego.

Asbestos: It's going to kill you. Part 1

Hey, I’m academy award nominee and MTV movie award winner Tom Cruise and today I'm going to talk about something that kills over five million Americans and up to fifteen Canadians a year, in my occasional fever dreams.
It's not Nuclear War or some sort of airborne STD (Watch out for Oxygenital warts), but a dolorous, degenerate fiend, that may cause the Earth to turn into a ,definitely not round, dystopian hell.
I'm talking about Asbestos.
And how it's going to kill you. (Probably)
To clarify, here's some pictures from the damage caused by Asbestos throughout history.







Shocking isn't it? To explain some more, here's a very good friend of mine and official 'science person' for the 2009 Thailand Technology/Irrigation Expo, Professor Steven Bookface.

Hello, I'm professor Steven Bookface.
Asbestos comes from many different places; the most common source is from the Japanese creature known as Mothra. When Mothra flaps his wings, it releases a deadly neurotoxin into the atmosphere.

When this chemical is released into the air it travels upwards into the atmosphere, latching onto clouds, before coming down in rain and gravitating towards the nearest attic or High school roof.
Of course, between 1958-1973 there was an absence of asbestos, following Mothra’s defeat at the hands of Godzilla and the Japanese armed forces. 
But, after returning in 1974, Mothra’s movements were so vigorous, that it released an untold amount of asbestos into the atmosphere, most of it still there.Scientists are unsure with how long the specific amount will last, but have a rough estimate that it is between forty years, or seven hundred thousand. To put that in perspective, that’s enough asbestos to fill  238 Pringles tubes. 




Wow! That's some very shocking news! Just think, if we don't act now then your Great to the power of 45 grandchildren could suffer horrible and damning qualities of living! WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN ACT ON THIS NOW. 
For more information, please look on these websites.

www.stopasbestosnow.org

www.Asbestospreventionsforustouseinthefuture.co.world

WWW.ALLCAPSABESTOS.COM





Asbestos was first discovered in the Capital of Europe in 1740, in a country called Finland, at the time known as Startland. 
It was discovered by a miner called Gelg Niffbogger, who inadvertently hit the first ‘asbestos pocket’ after some overzealous pickaxe work in one of the country’s marmite mines.
It was quickly bought to the attention of the government, who began selling it as an after dinner delicacy under orders from the king, a mentally retarded 11 year old boy. Here is an official painting of him comissioned at the time.

It cost nearly 50 generic gold coins per spoonful, and was merely a status symbol among the elite. Noted for its unusual flavour, it began making the rounds throughout Europe and the rest of the world, apart from Austria where they hate dessert.

 Niffbogger never learned of the danger he had unleashed on the world, he died in 1776, killed by an enraged neighbour who beat him with a shoehorn over an argument about the lifespan of elm trees.

Could I BE anymore communist?!

So...China are making their own version of the sitcom 'Friends'.

Yeah, this is a tangible thing. China's a country oddly adverse to western influence, it allows only 20 foreign films to be screened a year (Slim pickings on Captain America then) and generally has a bloated sense of nationalism in various areas.
So yes. This is ridiculous news. Not Dr Seuss lyrics ridiculous, but peyote trip into the netherworld, with a stop at the gift shop and not finding a garish fridge magnet with your name on ridiculous. (HOW UNCOMMON IS PETER? IT'S NOT EXACTLY THE NAME ROOTED IN NATIVE AMERICAN FOLKLORE)


It premieres next month, and we can all look forward to such potential laugh-tatorships such as:
The one where is placed in a black van at 3am and never returns.
The one with the truth about Google and Tiananmen Square.
The one with the lack any social unrest. Who told you there was social unrest?

Let's have a gander at the main group of crazy commie cohorts.



Phoebe

• A free spirited bohemian woman full of mirth and wondered irreverent world views. She is an aspiring artist, and after a musical piece about the government's political intrusions she spends the remainder of the series under house arrest. In one episode Christian Bale comes to visit her, but is assaulted by men outside her house (this scene is hilarious). Has a boyfriend called Mike towards the end of the series, until his unexpected and abrupt absence  Organ harvesting is suspected.

Ross

• A professor of paleontology who teaches primarily an all male class, due to the inferiority of women in the archaeological profession. Strong willed, yet easily flustered and emotionally volatile, specifically with regards to murals of the grand father Mao Zedong (each episode will be book ended by him weeping with incandescent humility at an A4 print out of the illustrious chairman).
  Has an on/off relationship with Rachael which later results in her pregnancy and giving birth to a child. As he already has a child with an ex-wife he is later fined and imprisoned for violating the one child policy.

Monica

• Ross's younger sister (He doesn't mention this to people) and Rachel's flatmate. Works as a Chef in a brightly lit, entertaining street market. Is a thoroughly lovely individual apart from her support on the violence and political upheaval in Tibet and Burma.

Joey

• Revered actor, immensely popular for his diverse roles in a series of political propaganda movies that generate revenue for the glorious war effort. When he's not working he enjoys playing on his counterfeited games consoles such as his playcenter 3 and his Xsquare 300. Has many sexual partners because his a man and therefore the dominant gender.

Rachel

• Rachel is the face of a popular girl group called 'Fun song wow wow' due to her good looks and sex appeal. She does not sing on any of the songs, the vocals provided by a girl of sub-par physical appearance, and thus a great shame to inflict on the viewing public. Rachel is thankful for her job because it allows her to travel the world, with only her fond love for her fatherland bringing her back after each tour (her child is held under state custody until her return.)

Chandler

• A comedian who works in advertising. Writes reports and documents that are presented to amnesty international and the U.S State department as consolidated fact and utmost truth. The very fact they question them or point out contradictions or false reports is a great offense to the glorious People's republic. When he's not at work he enjoys finding new blogs and satirical writers. He then reports them.

Compromise in Huckleberry Finn

In the 2nd year of University for my English course I had to read the 'Adventures of Huckleberry Finn' by renowned American 'I'm better than you' author Mark Twain.

I didn't enjoy it.
I'll explain that in another blog entry (I won't, it'll be a facetious uninteresting post, but have some hope folks), but I do have an issue with the version I had, the 2011 printing which out of qualms of 'moral dubiousness' replaces the term 'nigger' with 'slave' with regards to the character of Jim. I have....problems with this. Obvious problems I'll outline via a metaphorical role play that in no way occurred between the employees of the publishing company.

Although 'Slaves with Attitude' doesn't have to same hip hop ring to it.

Publishing employee 1

So, for this reprinting of Huckleberry Finn, we think it would be best for sensitivity and decency if we remove the word 'nigger'.

Employee 2

Yep, that's a good idea. It doesn't make that the defining aspect of Jim's character. He can stand on his own terms instead of being a one note by product of that adjective!

Employee 1

No, I was just thinking we should put 'slave' instead because the n-word is controversial, and we rely SOLELY ON SALES OF THIS BOOK.

Employee 2

How about we just...call him Jim? No 'nigger' and no 'slave', just Jim. Regular Jim.

Employee 1

IT'S EITHER NIGGER OR SLAVE. THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE. 

I know the word itself has far more offensive contexts, and that certain members African American community have claimed it back as a positive word, but that's a wider issue I'd rather not get involved with. (Although I will say it's the intent behind words than the word itself, for example, fuck and shit and boner-salad buffet. Each word is being employed negatively or positively, although boner-salad buffet is predominantly positive).

I have a problem with how completely missing the point this change seems. I'm sure in theory it was fine, but in practice it just makes you furrow your brow and go '.....really? Did you not think this through?'

So here's to you Jim.
Good ole regular Jim.

Unnecessary profanity in movies.

I'd like to say this is a cutting slice of satire aimed at the state of uproar that 'foul' language can cause in a movie.
But it's not.
At all.
It's just me putting offensive verbs, adjectives, nouns, adverbs, and the sort in well known movie quotes.
Essentially if you've ever been intoxicated and somebody has mentioned a movie, you have probably done this anyway, like a sailor mouthed Pavlovian drunkard.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Polyamarous relations in gaming

There's a game coming out next year called 'The Last of Us', it's an apocalyptic romp that explores the decay of humanistic and moral responsibilities in a society that- Have you seen The Walking Dead?
It's like that.
Definitely like that.
Except a bacterial plague caused by plant spores instead of zombies.
Ok, up to speed? Grand.
It's a 3rd person, action/adventure genre piece by the team that created Uncharted, and it looks good. As in, really, really, really good. As in inane hyperbole good.

Also the last time I compare it to The Walking Dead.

I enjoyed the preview trailer a hell of a lot, as it was the type of movie 'I am legend' should have been, were it not for the fact the CGI budget was apparently $5 and a handful of shiny foil. Beautiful shots of overgrown, vegetation swallowed cities, and an absence of life matched only by a convention celebrating scrotal pain.

Then the Gameplay trailer was released, and I was sold. It looked absolutely terrific. *Cue a twaddling list of gameplay features and words such as 'context sensitive' and 'AI interaction'*
Suffice to say, I would rather like to play this game and experience it...and another addition to this rather lame sentence.

This hype and anticipation leads to a particular quagmire though.

It's for PS3.
I do not have a PS3.
I have never felt the need to get one, be it the ridiculous price tag, the whole 'install games' malarky or the lack of any 'console exclusives' that jump out at me.
I don't want to have to buy a PS3 just to play this game, and I know nobody who has a PS3 for me to leech off.

Apparently the equivalent of 'a kite or an abacus among my social group.

Is there any reason this game has to be a console exclusive? I can understand certain companies being first party, or games tailored for a specific console, but surely we're past the point where we have to marginalize game access, sales, and perpetuate the beleaguering and fucking tedious 'console war'.
Games like Call of Duty and Skyrim are phenomenally successful, in part to being cross platform releases, hoping to be available to as many people as possible. By making a game an 'exclusive', regardless of the positives and good will, you are effectively limiting how many people can experience your product, something most businesses would call 'BAD FOR BUSINESS YO.'

The Terrordome? That's just what we call the corporate retreat. Also *insert monotonous joke about Flava Flave taking 'minutes' at meetings.*

My two favourite games of the year (by many a fathom) are Max Payne 3 and The Walking Dead. Both games have fantastic characters, voice acting and an engaging story (The Walking Dead has my favourite narrative experience in any game I've played, no hyperbole, but that's for another entry.)

Both games are also cross platform and currently contending for numerous 'end of year' awards, whilst also having strong reviews and sales.

Console exclusive games seem a tad archaic, an element of flame wars between Halo and Uncharted, and a crude attempt to steer players towards a console. 

Sony and Microsoft, you can share games, it won't effect sales of your consoles. People will continue to buy them because you're....Sony and Microsoft. Both have huge fanbases and product recognition, and I doubt losing the 'MINE MINE MINE' element bought on by console exclusives will in any way harm sales.

Because why be tarred solely with this shit brush when you can share the mediocrity!

Modern consoles shouldn't try to validate their own existence with console exclusivity, they have enough merit and whimsy wowow zappity dappity to warrant existing in a market that isn't filled with 'YOU CAN'T PLAY THIS. SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT ME NOW' subtle condemnation towards potential buyers.
I want to play The Last Stand. I know a lot of people do. But I very much doubt I'll be able to, regardless of my crudely and abruptly ended reasoning that I've written...just now...up above...see..you didn't imagine it in a nerve pinched fever dream.
I feel like I'm being told off for not buying a certain console, or using one I'm already comfortable with.
Game Developers, stop making exclusives. I implore you in a sub par blog post, something that contains the weight of a zeppelin full of diamonds and boiled sweets.
Except you Nintendo, you're fine. Continue re-hashing your four concepts and ignoring the majority of 18+ year olds who regularly play games and enjoy mature content.
Bleh.