Could I BE anymore communist?!

So...China are making their own version of the sitcom 'Friends'.

Yeah, this is a tangible thing. China's a country oddly adverse to western influence, it allows only 20 foreign films to be screened a year (Slim pickings on Captain America then) and generally has a bloated sense of nationalism in various areas.
So yes. This is ridiculous news. Not Dr Seuss lyrics ridiculous, but peyote trip into the netherworld, with a stop at the gift shop and not finding a garish fridge magnet with your name on ridiculous. (HOW UNCOMMON IS PETER? IT'S NOT EXACTLY THE NAME ROOTED IN NATIVE AMERICAN FOLKLORE)


It premieres next month, and we can all look forward to such potential laugh-tatorships such as:
The one where is placed in a black van at 3am and never returns.
The one with the truth about Google and Tiananmen Square.
The one with the lack any social unrest. Who told you there was social unrest?

Let's have a gander at the main group of crazy commie cohorts.



Phoebe

• A free spirited bohemian woman full of mirth and wondered irreverent world views. She is an aspiring artist, and after a musical piece about the government's political intrusions she spends the remainder of the series under house arrest. In one episode Christian Bale comes to visit her, but is assaulted by men outside her house (this scene is hilarious). Has a boyfriend called Mike towards the end of the series, until his unexpected and abrupt absence  Organ harvesting is suspected.

Ross

• A professor of paleontology who teaches primarily an all male class, due to the inferiority of women in the archaeological profession. Strong willed, yet easily flustered and emotionally volatile, specifically with regards to murals of the grand father Mao Zedong (each episode will be book ended by him weeping with incandescent humility at an A4 print out of the illustrious chairman).
  Has an on/off relationship with Rachael which later results in her pregnancy and giving birth to a child. As he already has a child with an ex-wife he is later fined and imprisoned for violating the one child policy.

Monica

• Ross's younger sister (He doesn't mention this to people) and Rachel's flatmate. Works as a Chef in a brightly lit, entertaining street market. Is a thoroughly lovely individual apart from her support on the violence and political upheaval in Tibet and Burma.

Joey

• Revered actor, immensely popular for his diverse roles in a series of political propaganda movies that generate revenue for the glorious war effort. When he's not working he enjoys playing on his counterfeited games consoles such as his playcenter 3 and his Xsquare 300. Has many sexual partners because his a man and therefore the dominant gender.

Rachel

• Rachel is the face of a popular girl group called 'Fun song wow wow' due to her good looks and sex appeal. She does not sing on any of the songs, the vocals provided by a girl of sub-par physical appearance, and thus a great shame to inflict on the viewing public. Rachel is thankful for her job because it allows her to travel the world, with only her fond love for her fatherland bringing her back after each tour (her child is held under state custody until her return.)

Chandler

• A comedian who works in advertising. Writes reports and documents that are presented to amnesty international and the U.S State department as consolidated fact and utmost truth. The very fact they question them or point out contradictions or false reports is a great offense to the glorious People's republic. When he's not at work he enjoys finding new blogs and satirical writers. He then reports them.

Compromise in Huckleberry Finn

In the 2nd year of University for my English course I had to read the 'Adventures of Huckleberry Finn' by renowned American 'I'm better than you' author Mark Twain.

I didn't enjoy it.
I'll explain that in another blog entry (I won't, it'll be a facetious uninteresting post, but have some hope folks), but I do have an issue with the version I had, the 2011 printing which out of qualms of 'moral dubiousness' replaces the term 'nigger' with 'slave' with regards to the character of Jim. I have....problems with this. Obvious problems I'll outline via a metaphorical role play that in no way occurred between the employees of the publishing company.

Although 'Slaves with Attitude' doesn't have to same hip hop ring to it.

Publishing employee 1

So, for this reprinting of Huckleberry Finn, we think it would be best for sensitivity and decency if we remove the word 'nigger'.

Employee 2

Yep, that's a good idea. It doesn't make that the defining aspect of Jim's character. He can stand on his own terms instead of being a one note by product of that adjective!

Employee 1

No, I was just thinking we should put 'slave' instead because the n-word is controversial, and we rely SOLELY ON SALES OF THIS BOOK.

Employee 2

How about we just...call him Jim? No 'nigger' and no 'slave', just Jim. Regular Jim.

Employee 1

IT'S EITHER NIGGER OR SLAVE. THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE. 

I know the word itself has far more offensive contexts, and that certain members African American community have claimed it back as a positive word, but that's a wider issue I'd rather not get involved with. (Although I will say it's the intent behind words than the word itself, for example, fuck and shit and boner-salad buffet. Each word is being employed negatively or positively, although boner-salad buffet is predominantly positive).

I have a problem with how completely missing the point this change seems. I'm sure in theory it was fine, but in practice it just makes you furrow your brow and go '.....really? Did you not think this through?'

So here's to you Jim.
Good ole regular Jim.

Unnecessary profanity in movies.

I'd like to say this is a cutting slice of satire aimed at the state of uproar that 'foul' language can cause in a movie.
But it's not.
At all.
It's just me putting offensive verbs, adjectives, nouns, adverbs, and the sort in well known movie quotes.
Essentially if you've ever been intoxicated and somebody has mentioned a movie, you have probably done this anyway, like a sailor mouthed Pavlovian drunkard.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Polyamarous relations in gaming

There's a game coming out next year called 'The Last of Us', it's an apocalyptic romp that explores the decay of humanistic and moral responsibilities in a society that- Have you seen The Walking Dead?
It's like that.
Definitely like that.
Except a bacterial plague caused by plant spores instead of zombies.
Ok, up to speed? Grand.
It's a 3rd person, action/adventure genre piece by the team that created Uncharted, and it looks good. As in, really, really, really good. As in inane hyperbole good.

Also the last time I compare it to The Walking Dead.

I enjoyed the preview trailer a hell of a lot, as it was the type of movie 'I am legend' should have been, were it not for the fact the CGI budget was apparently $5 and a handful of shiny foil. Beautiful shots of overgrown, vegetation swallowed cities, and an absence of life matched only by a convention celebrating scrotal pain.

Then the Gameplay trailer was released, and I was sold. It looked absolutely terrific. *Cue a twaddling list of gameplay features and words such as 'context sensitive' and 'AI interaction'*
Suffice to say, I would rather like to play this game and experience it...and another addition to this rather lame sentence.

This hype and anticipation leads to a particular quagmire though.

It's for PS3.
I do not have a PS3.
I have never felt the need to get one, be it the ridiculous price tag, the whole 'install games' malarky or the lack of any 'console exclusives' that jump out at me.
I don't want to have to buy a PS3 just to play this game, and I know nobody who has a PS3 for me to leech off.

Apparently the equivalent of 'a kite or an abacus among my social group.

Is there any reason this game has to be a console exclusive? I can understand certain companies being first party, or games tailored for a specific console, but surely we're past the point where we have to marginalize game access, sales, and perpetuate the beleaguering and fucking tedious 'console war'.
Games like Call of Duty and Skyrim are phenomenally successful, in part to being cross platform releases, hoping to be available to as many people as possible. By making a game an 'exclusive', regardless of the positives and good will, you are effectively limiting how many people can experience your product, something most businesses would call 'BAD FOR BUSINESS YO.'

The Terrordome? That's just what we call the corporate retreat. Also *insert monotonous joke about Flava Flave taking 'minutes' at meetings.*

My two favourite games of the year (by many a fathom) are Max Payne 3 and The Walking Dead. Both games have fantastic characters, voice acting and an engaging story (The Walking Dead has my favourite narrative experience in any game I've played, no hyperbole, but that's for another entry.)

Both games are also cross platform and currently contending for numerous 'end of year' awards, whilst also having strong reviews and sales.

Console exclusive games seem a tad archaic, an element of flame wars between Halo and Uncharted, and a crude attempt to steer players towards a console. 

Sony and Microsoft, you can share games, it won't effect sales of your consoles. People will continue to buy them because you're....Sony and Microsoft. Both have huge fanbases and product recognition, and I doubt losing the 'MINE MINE MINE' element bought on by console exclusives will in any way harm sales.

Because why be tarred solely with this shit brush when you can share the mediocrity!

Modern consoles shouldn't try to validate their own existence with console exclusivity, they have enough merit and whimsy wowow zappity dappity to warrant existing in a market that isn't filled with 'YOU CAN'T PLAY THIS. SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT ME NOW' subtle condemnation towards potential buyers.
I want to play The Last Stand. I know a lot of people do. But I very much doubt I'll be able to, regardless of my crudely and abruptly ended reasoning that I've written...just now...up above...see..you didn't imagine it in a nerve pinched fever dream.
I feel like I'm being told off for not buying a certain console, or using one I'm already comfortable with.
Game Developers, stop making exclusives. I implore you in a sub par blog post, something that contains the weight of a zeppelin full of diamonds and boiled sweets.
Except you Nintendo, you're fine. Continue re-hashing your four concepts and ignoring the majority of 18+ year olds who regularly play games and enjoy mature content.
Bleh.

The Apple bandwagon pioneered by an unbelievable asshole

Is that a soup Kitchen on Christmas day? Is it a re-enactment of late 1920s Weimar era depression?
No, it's a bunch of human beings queuing for 2 days to buy a new slab of white plastic that will enable them to tell other white slab owners how amazing and revolutionary the extra 2 inches on the slab is and tell non-slab owning folk how amazing and revolutionary the extra 2 inches on the slab is.
People are like the aroma of herbs and spices at KFC....they make me dry heave and then probably vomit.
I have no problem with people buying Ipads or Apple products, we're a capitalist consumer society, by all means do what you want (within reason, we're not Sodom.) People need phones, and as long as people need Phones, people will buy Apple products, fair enough.
Iphones and Ipads are like the Gibson Les Paul; sure I can see the appeal and all the great features, but I'm perfectly content with my Explorer.
You've got an Iphone? I literally couldn't care any less, and if you act the same then we'll get on fine and dandy.

But if you queue for 2 days to buy a piece of technology that does exactly the same things as your previous piece of technology, albeit it with a slightly larger/smaller screen, then I hate everything encoded in your freedom-less DNA.
If you're willing to pay upwards of £500 for something other devices can do for 1/5th the price, but must pledge allegiance to the brand you've apparently sold your soul to in a mp3 exclusive blood oath, then I hate every hair on your head, and every hair growing beneath your pestilent, ignorant skin.

Steve Jobs was not an 'AMAZING GENIUS'.
Steve Jobs was not the Lenin of devices that popularised the phrase 'LOL'.
Steve Jobs was not somebody for whom the clocks stopped turning and the sky darkened with obsidian clouds of grief when he died.

Steve Jobs was an asshole.

My only regret about holding this is that I can't  flip the bird to you all.

Yes death is sad, that's a given, and I never met the man, so I'll hastily add IN MY OPINION. This isn't a zero conditional, like water boiling at 100 degrees or Sammy Hagar being a far superior singer than David Lee Roth. It's merely my opinion that Steve Jobs was an asshole, and if people are going to obsess over his products and hail false cries of superiority to whichever God they choose to worship (even though the Flying Spaghetti monster uses a Motorola Atrix), they need to do some fucking light reading.

Let's start with something easy, right off the bat. Steve Jobs returned to Apple in 1997 and immediately cancelled all of their philanthropic activities. According to various friends he believed that expanding Apple would have been more worthwhile and beneficial to people than giving money to charity.

Fair enough, you've not making enough money (even though you are), just resume it at a later date right?
Except he never did, even in the 2000s when the Iphone became the second biggest selling gadget on the planet, just behind the Rubik's cube. Instead, he helped set up 'PROJECT RED' with Bono, which produced red versions of APPLE devices to give the proceeds to charity. Even then, Apple wasn't donating, customers were, regular folks who weren't part of billion dollar enterprises. When none of your profits are going to charity, it's not charity, it's you pointing at a charity and going 'Hey...you guys should give money to this, but only at the incentive of spreading awareness about our products and company name'.
Here's a completely unrelated paste from Wikipedia about Bill Gates, you know AWFUL BILL GATES, GOD HE SURE IS AWFUL.
As of 2007 Bill Gates and Melinda Gates were the second most generous philanthropists in America, having given over $28 billion to charity. They plan to eventually give 95% of their wealth to charity.
WHAT A FUCKING MONSTER. GO BACK TO AUSTRIA HITLER. GO BACK TO THE SEVEN CIRCLES OF EREBUS YOU GRECO-ROMAN BEAST.

The fact is, Jobs sincerely thought that Apple products would 'improve the quality of life'. Because we all know that dialysis machines and cancer research can't compete with the ability to IM somebody a hi def photo of your parted anus.

I was hoping for the ability to store up to 1 million songs....will my life of hell never cease?!

Jobs was the monomaniacal, angry, abusive head of a company seen only in Steven Segal films, or a Chris Brown concert. He apparently fired employees from PIXAR without notice, and when Pamela Kerwin, a pixar employee, politely asked he at least give them two weeks notice, he replied with "Okay, but the notice is retro-active from two weeks ago"

Even this guy would call Steve Jobs a 'massive erection of a human being'

There's having to make cutbacks, and then there's doing it in such a motion of Machiavellian assholery that you appear as nothing more than an utterly repugnant human being. And to do it to PIXAR? Wonderful, delightful, innovative, idea defying PIXAR? He may as well emailed every person who grew up with their movies a JPEG of him teabagging Sully from Monsters Inc.

LESS SHIT LIKE THIS. MORE SCREENS PEOPLE POKE AT.

There's plenty more I could go into, but this blog is really an introduction to articles such as these: http://www.businessinsider.com/steve-jobs-jerk-2011-10?op=1
http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2011/11/be-a-jerk-the-worst-business-lesson-from-the-steve-jobs-biography/249136/

Steve Jobs was CEO of a billion dollar industry, he was also a monumental prick.
Those two are not related, and the latter is not excusable because of the former.

If you're going to cry salutations of vigor and wonder to a figure in the media, do some research first.

I have a Motorola phone, it texts, calls people, has apps and can play music. It's what a hip young go-getter could ever need.....and me.
For all I know, Motorola could create their products through energy produced by burning slaves who don't assemble covers fast enough. They might have corporate retreats where they harpoon rare birds and then fight with the corpses. They might buy out orphanages and turn them into bookshops that only stock mills and boon erotica.
But that's not relevant, because I don't act like my phone is a slate of intellect and wonder carved by the Olympians.
I occasionally use it to text poorly auto-corrected nonsense and I shut the fuck up whilst doing it.
If you're 'only apple exclusive' and think Steve Jobs was the last remnant of human decency, then you're an asshole.

If you worship an asshole, you're an asshole.

I have no problem with Apple products, or people who use them. I have a problem with a culture so distracted by unnecessary 'convenience' and product recognition, they unwittingly sing the praises of a man who should have known, and acted, better.

An experiment in writing.

So it's national novel writing month or NANOWRIMO as it has been labelled by people who like acronyms but just can't commit to that ole' one-letter-representing-each-word style (NNWM. Ooh, look at that, I feel like that...famous gay artist. The one who was 'revolutionary' and stuff. He had the paintings of soup...and Marilyn monroe. I've honestly forgotten his name, it'll come to me I hope.)

Anyway, this blog isn't about NNWM, but how I write these blogs. You see, I'm rather haphazard with these. It takes me a couple of days to do one that's about 500 words long merely out of repeating writers block, hatred for everything my hands create like an end of novel Victor Frankenstein spitting regret and insurmountable rage towards a sentence fragment based horror of his own creation. I can't just...sit and hammer something out, I come back to it like a forgetful Dad not fit to look after a child.
That's why I'm writing all of this in a stream of conscious style monologue, no breaks or pauses, merely consecutive typing until I reach what I hope is some tuft of a satisfying conclusion (Unlike LOST, or some other pop culture reference. I mean seriously, more unanswered questions than Alex Reid doing a Year 10 SAT exam about colours.)
It's rather interesting to see this barebones, storyboard esque approach to writing, the only editing being the incorrect spelling of words or minor adjustments to sentence structure such as adding 'ands' or 'the's.'. It's also why there's a 20-ish word tirade about Andy Warhol up there, a man whose name I just remembered after I wrote the word 'tuft', it's also why some metaphors and similes and all that jazz aren't up to my usual standard, because normally I have a skeleton which I'll then edit with something far more eloquent (I immediately regret using that word), witty and of higher quality. For example, I have no Idea if Alex Reid is colourblind, that was merely the first set of refugees that crossed the border from 'Idea dictatorship' into my people's republic of 'funny similies'.
It's not been that hard to just sit and type stuff out, but its' a lot less refined than I'd like (clearly) and it doesn't really have any coherent thread or overall message, but again that's more due to the context than the pace at which I am writing, so I'm just complaining at the wind really, like a bitter old man, being all...bitter and...shit.
See, I'm not deleting words, nor amending them, you're getting everything raw and poorly formed and full of colloquialisms that for some reason I am typing, such as 'like' and whatnot. That's how dedicated I am to the cause. Although I did just delete a comma and replace it with a full stop just now, but that's more to enable you to read this easily (as opposed to that fucking awful sentence preceding this set of brackets, which in itself is tedious to read).

I'm sure if Hemmingway or Sylvia Plath wrote something like this it'd be hailed as a fucking goldmine of the creative process (I don't know if Plath wrote prose actually, so, again, that example may fail as an....example. Christ this is like how I talk to women, jarring, jabbering, and with all the progressive appeal of a sandwich full of thumbtacks, acid and contempt. On a side note, I think I got that thumbtacks reference from an episode of  The Simpsons, I probably did, that'd be something I'd change in the Edit.
Is the Simpsons really relevant anymore? It's flogging a dead horse to say the quality has dipped more severely than a bouncy castle now infested with cockroaches and switchblade wielding gang members, and there's no overall story arc of plot progress with a show like Community or Breaking Bad, so just get rid of it already and let us enjoy the current ratio of good/bad episodes before that margin (more like MARGE-IN, hhur hur) is ruined, and it'll be a dolorous sense of nostalgia when we say "Remember when the Simpsons was enjoyable, and not overwrought, sometimes cringeworthy and often pointless"? I reckon as it stands, I can watch a random episode and 6/10ths of the time, it'll be a stone cold classic (Stone cold? I would never use that idiom, fucking hell. FUCKING HELL I SAY)

Also Family Guy, stop shoving sentimental, sanctimonious and depressing story points into your episodes (Cancer, abortion, rape?) Really? You know, those plot points that ultimately converge at the end of the episode with some made for tv string music in the background and Lois/Brian making a serious heartfelt plea to another character. It is jarring, embarrasing and a horrible juxtaposition to the 5 minutes prior that consisted of jokes insinuating an 80s cartoon character is gay or a character soiled themselves. Nobody wants that, you have nothing to try and prove to yourself. People know WHO AND WHAT YOU ARE. Barn Door, Horse, Bolt.
People watch you for a quick 20 minutes of fast paced humour and idiosyncratic jokes, do not garnish it in preachy subtext or lifetime TV style plot points, it's patronising, pandering, and actually more offensive than any other content in the show itself.
South Park CAN do this, because it can successfully balance both serious and funny without the addition of the former being jarring and taking you out of the episode.
American Dad is clearly superior to Family Guy anyway.

Oh, ain't that Grand, I just wrote about something without stopping, brilliant. I HAVE THE POWER and all that progressive free-form danish Jazz. Even so, I'd edit it ruthlessly like a literature based Bond Villain if it were any other blog entry.

I don't really know how to finish this, which is kind of ironic and something I hoped I wouldn't have to put and now I hate myself and want to punch my larynx with all the vigour and malice of a Celtic woad warrior being offended about his long hair that stands as a symbol to tribal custom.
Hey that's as good a place as any, hope you enjoyed this experiment.
I did.
Kind of.
Maybe.
Maybe Not.
I'm outta here (Aladdin reference.)

Season 5 Walter White substitutes his old chemistry class

INT. High school chemistry lesson, a room full of students talking among themselves.

A thin man walks into the class room, dressed in black and wearing a Porkpie hat. He walks behind the desk and sits down, slowly and precisely. The class keep talking, ignoring him. He simply stares at them, piercing eyes behind prescription lenses. Eventually the class silence themselves, almost in unison. WALTER WHITE stands up and speaks.

WALT

Hello everybody, I am teaching this class. My name is Mister White. Everybody, say my name.

The class stare at each other, they look confused.

WALT:(Iron confidence)
Say it.

STUDENT:Who are you...?

WALT:I'm the teacher. I'm your substitute for the day. I'm the man who is replacing Mr Silverman for the day.

STUDENT:

Bullshit, Mr Kartel Substitutes for Mr S.

WALT:

Are you sure about that? Now, say my name.

All STUDENTS:

Mr White.

WALT:

You're goddamn right.

'BOWWW...WOWA WOWW...BAAAAAaaaaaa..Bam...ba ba ba bum.'

For your Emmy consideration.

A knock on the door, it opens and a student walks in. He's slightly out of breath and has the immediate impression of being a 'layabout'.

STUDENT
Hey, sorry I'm late.

He goes to sit down.

WALT

(Calmly, almost amused.)
What are you doing?

STUDENT
I'm sitting down for class. I mean, I knocked and apologised.

WALT
Is that what you think of this class? OF ME? 

STUDENT
...What? I was late, my parents had-

WALTI don't want to HEAR about your parents. 

STUDENTI'm sorry, man, I apologized.

WALT
(Condescending rage)
You clearly...don't know who you are talking to, so let me clue you in. You do not just knock on that door and walk into MY CLASSROOM. NEVER. I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS.

Ok, now everybody turn to page 27, we're working on compounds.

Walt is walking around the class as the students work, one of them is sharing a textbook with another student.

WALT
Excuse me...?

STEPHANIE
It's Stephanie, Sir.

WALT(Panicked)
Where...where is your text book Stephanie?

STEPHANIE
(Taken back)
I...I don't have it.

WALT
Where is it? Where is your text book Stephanie?

STEPHANIE
I...-

WALT
WHERE IS YOUR TEXTBOOK STEPHANIE?! WHERE IS IT?! WHERE IS THE TEXTBOOK SKLYAR...I MEAN STEPHANIE!!

STEPHANIE

(Verge of tears)

I...I left it at home. I'm so sorry, I forgot it in the rush this morning.

WALT
You...you left it...at home?

Walt cracks up, he begins to laugh before escalating into something resembling a sinister and hysterical cackling. He falls onto the floor, still laughing at the punchline the situation has given him. Fade to black.

WALT
Ok, compounds. We're going to be doing exactly as I say this lesson, because I know you can. And more importantly, you will-

Jesse Pinkman runs into the room.

JESSE
Yo, Mr White! You're needed, 'urgently'.

WALT
Jesse. I am teaching a class. 

JESSE
It's Saul, he needs to speak to you 'in Person', sounded serious.

WALT
Jesus Christ. Fine. Jesse, take over for fifteen minutes.

JESSE
What? You serious?

WALT
I think I've taught you well enough, I have faith in you.

Walt walks out the room.

JESSE
You taught me how to cook Meth! Not teach a damn class!

The students stare at him, dumbfounded.

JESSE
Errr, hey. So....you guys want to learn how to dissolve a body...?

Today we're working in pairs, don't shoot your lab partner in the stomach.

The Bell rings, class is ending. Students walk out.

WALT
Ok, read pages fifty to sixty for homework. Excuse me, could you help me with something?

Walt signals to the student who walked in late.

STUDENT
What?

WALT
Can you dust those erasers for me? Thank you.

Walt walks out. The student begins hitting the two erasers together, after five hits a ball of fire breathes into the classroom. The student walks out, half his face blown off, killing him and the memory of 'Malcolm in the Middle'.