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Sunday, 1 November 2009

The Cinema Experience

I saw the Transformers 2 movie earlier this week and thoroughly enjoyed it, as I’m a man with a penis. It had gotten a lot of bad reviews when released though, most of it aimed like a scathing longbow towards the plot....yes, in a movie consisting of giant robots beating seven shades of crap out of each other, people expected a plot. This is (apart from missing the point more than Abu Hamza at Laser quest) extremely pithy, like complaining that Jackie Chan movies have bad acting or Porn doesn’t have brilliant mise-en-scene. It appears that society hasn’t progressed to the p oint of a collective intelligence where people can assume a movie a) Based on a rocking awesome 80s cartoon b) By Michael Bay, has a plot that doesn’t measure up to whatever neurotic relationship-crisis farce Woody Allen is vomiting out. ANYWAY, before the movie started there was the expected advert warning people not to record the movie on their phones, as it’s a criminal offense apparently on par with murdering a family and eating their innards whilst pissing on the Queen. I say let people record the movie on a tiny, low quality, tinny sounding fart of a machine that essentially simulates the effect of watching TV whilst banging your head on an anvil; in fact, the government should have a special branch dedicated to recording the most recent movies on a crappy Japanese phone before uploading them to a legally appointed site. Want to know why? Because people will watch them at home, idiots mostly, massive DNA abusing idiots will watch these movies. And because of this, it means these idiots will not be at the cinema when we decent folk want to see these movies, think of it; no imbecilic teenagers shouting terrible insults at the screen, no rustling of food, no beeping of sodding phones, no prick at the front who does some ‘ironic’ dance when ‘The final countdown’ plays in an advert and assumes he’s the funniest man in the history of the entire bloody world, whilst everybody else wants to stab him with crude shives fashioned from a bag of revels. (This is silly, as everybody knows they’d make a much better suffocation device). By taking these people out of cinemas I reckon the enjoyment level rise by at least 38%, and while we’re at it let’s get rid of adverts all right? This is simply out of a form of impatience in all honesty; I’ve paid £5 to see a movie, not sit through 20 minutes of shameless corporate whoring that I get on TV/The Internet/sides of busses/ some man carve into my arm in the street. In fact this is probably counterproductive for the companies; imagine being at a Morrisons or something and browsing for well, food obviously, you go to grab some Bertolli olive oil only to suddenly have your brain scream like a madman “Wait a minute, this was a 3 minute advert at the cinema, delaying the arrival of that wacky yet quasi emotional Judd Apatow movie I paid to see!! SOD OFF BERTOLLI! I’M GETTING CLOVER! THEIR ADVERTS MAY BE RIDICULOUS TO THE POINT OF SELF MOCKERY AND EMOTIONAL BLUDGEONING BUT AT LEAST THEY DON’T PLASTER THEM ALL OVER THE SCREEN AT THE CINEMA!! So yeah, morons and adverts, let’s do our best to eradicate these from the cinema experience like some foul pestilent little cockroaches.

Also Transformers 2 is bloody terrific.

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