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Saturday 21 April 2012

My Hilarious Anxiety fueled sequel

So...where were we?
It's been just under a month since my first post about this and well...
This last month has been, intense.
If this month were a cliched 80s movie montage, it'd consist of me furiously writing, listening to hours of self help audio, lying down and talking dramatically, and probably punching out Elks....just because.


If this Month were an 80s hairstyle it'd definitely be Mel Gibson in 'Lethal Weapon'.

Because I was only home for a month, I couldn't actually see somebody for a routine hour on a regular basis, and was limited to 20 minute drop ins every few days. I spent a lot of my time just, doing 'writing' exercises, and talking to people on forums, a whole host of 'subconcious' hypnotherapy mp3s were recommended my way so I put on my serious face and figured why the hell not?
I then proceeded to torrent them all and feel like the lowest form of human trash.

An American friend of mine asked me to explain what an 'inferiority complex' felt like.
I responded with 3 things.
It's like being at an Ice cream shop for 3 years, and while everybody else gets ice cream at various points, and numerous times, you get handfuls of gravel and rubbing alcohol and told to cheer up and 'stop being a mope' by the other kids. The more gravel you get, the more you expect to get gravel the next time you ask for ice cream, yet nobody seems to have a problem with this, as well, they all have ice cream, so fuck you gravel eating loser!

It's like being a midget at a stilt convention.

It's like being punched in the neck by fate wearing brass knuckles of asbestos.

I've learned a lot the past month or so, some of it genuinely unnerving and surprising, some of it kind of expected and obvious, but I won't go into much detail. It did pretty much solidify my opinion on how mine came about, and with the various 'types' that create them, mine was predominantly social.
Shocking I know right?
It's an unexpected twist only M Night Shyamalan could have conjured.

And then it turns out that the most obvious scenario is...THE TRUTH!!!


This Occam's Razor notwithstanding, I shan't go into detail, but if you know me, you're probably aware how this came about. It's hard to not feel like a crappy individual when your 'people you've dated' to 'people who've rejected you/stood you up' ratio resembles the numbers at the battle of Thermopylae.
This isn't fishing for sympathy or pity, or anything of that ilk. It's just hopefully so people can you know...see what makes my kooky complex tick.
It's much worse at an age when you're meant to be advancing the social curve and having these experiences, and genuinely acting like a normal social human being, hormones and emotions and all that Hollyoaks nonsense I shan't go into.
And at University it's much worse when you're surrounded by it, after trite expectations and morale raising induction speeches of HOW AWESOME UNIVERSITY IS, to realise it's a hell of a lot more lonelier than High School. I've had people say 'Oh relationships aren't all that great', and the thing is I'm not desperate, I'm really not, I have a serious face as I type this. That's irrelevant, I don't go out and actively seek one. If I ask somebody out it's genuinely because I like them, not out of some pigheaded social by numbers desire to tick something off a social list. I genuinely do not force it, or actively seek them, I go about like everybody else does, I've just realised I'm not all that worth it with people. I really am a confident and upbeat chump with people, I never try and woo based on misery and pity. (Also this isn't a...name and shame, for some people who might read.)
The fact of the matter is, the more you get turned down or ignored, the worse you feel. That's just common knowledge, and I know a lot of people who deal with it, although thankfully for them not to such an extent. When you're at an age when your emotionally volatile and are surrounded by people experiencing the norms of social advancement, to feel like you've made no progress since you were 16, is really fun...

One guy I talked to online was the complete opposite, he was fantastic socially, but suffered greatly due to his employment relationship. I'd rather be that guy...at least I'd get cuddles. (Joke...that was...a joke. I hate cuddles)

Anyway, the TL;DR version, it turns out 4 years of feeling as appealing and attractive as a grave of open children is a bad thing. Who knew. And after time it becomes more than feeling sad and crappy, to genuinely feeling inferior, or a 'negative grandiosity' around other people.

Anyhoo, moving on.

The Good news then?
() Well...let's see. One of the main reasons I'm SO DAMN HILARIOUS, is because of depression. So thanks for that brain, good one there. Apparently in order to have the former, you need to experience the flip side, and I suppose the more you do, the more your brain tries to keep up 'funny' wise. That was worded stupidly. I apologise.
() I genuinely do feel different. I'm acting and expressing myself more how I'd like to be. Am I 100%? No, definitely not. But am I more like the person I want to be? Yeah, sure definitely. I'm sure this is something that will effect other people, as I'll still feel a smorgasbord of problems, but they'll notice I'm acting differently to them. 2 paragraphs in a row that were worded terribly? I'm on a roll...a literal roll.
() I've said things I didn't mean or didn't believe to people, with utmost vehemence and belief, and it turns out this is expected. My pretty awesome Doctor/Counsellor woman explained it's not uncommon for extreme stress and anxiety to shift certain viewpoints or what I'd deem 'acceptable'.
So whilst I can't exactly...fight my subconcious, It's my fault for not doing anything to stop this or make a change, I was a traitor, like an emotional Lando Calrissian. But you know...working on it.

I'm about to blow the shit out of this Death Star that is your social life.

The not so good-but-I'm-Working-On-but-It's-ridiculously-not-easy-news?
() Well, my Doc (tor) has a system whereby after seeing somebody for a few sessions she feels comfortable to be a bit of a 'maverick' and bust out her own psychiatric questionnaire form. Now it's not medically valid, as like I said, it's based on her psychology training and experiences but isn't 'the go to guide'.
She asked me about 30 questions, and then spent about 2 minutes reading the answers and occasionally going 'hmmm...right' or 'ahh...ok', before saying what can only be described as the single most hilariously expected sentence I have ever heard.
"Based on this, I'm glad you saw somebody. You seem dangerously close to having a nervous breakdown if this keeps up." She then hastily threw in "But that's obviously, only my opinion."
Apparently having this for 4 years is a PRETTY WORRYING SIGN, so...that's an anecdote we'd all like to have!
But yes that's true, and I'm doing my best to...not...have one of those things.
()I've tried to make amends with some people I've hurt in the past who I haven't spoken to in months of years. A couple of people have acknowledged this, which is all I asked for. I wasn't expecting instant karma or forgiveness, just an explanation that they deserved. Most people spat it back in my well side-burned face and in no unclear terms told me 'stop acting' or 'stop making excuses'. Which is nice. I'm not complaining or bitching, I'm just saying this is something you face when you cause a huge kerfuffle due to a KERAAZY mental problem and then try to clean up or make things right. So that's re-assuring.
In fact, with one person I care about, I've bought them more drama and stress in 5 months than the personal history of the band FleetWood Mac and I fully understand if they end up hating my very existence and never wanting to speak to me again. But that's depression for you, if you don't act, it can genuinely ruin any relationships you have or may have with a person. So...I'm acting now.
()I wake up most days with incredibly worrying anxiety to the point that I'm shaking, which I think is only allowed if you live in a WW1 trench or a North Korean orphanage.
() The university counselling people have still NOT GOT BACK TO ME, they apparently have the response time of Helen Keller playing Frisbee.



These realisations and poorly worded blogs explaining, don't mean I can go 'Oh cool, I'm Scott Free!' with regards to some of my past actions ,and I genuinely loathe telling people this because it sounds like an excuse, no matter how I try to put it. It's like I'm at court and at the last minute I pull the 'insanity defence' and try to force myself to defecate horribly all over the stand. It's just going to make people roll their eyes, care even less, go 'Yeah sure...whatever', have less patience and ruin my shoes.

I suppose it's more of a slow burn, in that I've been pooping all over the stand for the entire trial without my knowledge until somebody qualified has just stood up and yelled 'YOU ARE POOPING SIR', to which I respond 'Ahh...I see that makes a lot of sense'. Best do my best to stop pooping.



Haha...poop.


Anyway, some people might have trouble dealing with the fact I've genuinely not been 'myself' for the past year or so, and anybody who has met me in that time, I'm worried has only known 'depressed Pete'. And he's a a dick. I hate his face.
I guess for some people it's a chance for a blank slate with me, although not the kind I would have hoped for. It's more a blank slate due to a cleaning process involving sad realization, mental strain and a really poor quality bleach. It's not two people saying 'Oh let's just forget it happened, ho ho ho!', it's one person saying 'By the way...I used to be a bit of a nutty nutbar...I am now less of a nutbar.'
Regardless of what's going on, there's still the past history of somebody being a massive nutbar, and now trying to be less of a nutbar. I've fucked up royally with a few friends of mine, and some people I really care about, and it isn't superficial High school nonsense, it's really something I'd hope to never deal with, let alone at a stage in my life when I should already have learnt social experiences like dating, relationships or having too much social freedom. Trying to catch up on those would be stressful enough, but with this added on it's certainly a cluster-fudge of anxiety.

This is a nutbar. I find it an apt metaphor.



So in short...
Do I realize a lot more about why I'm a fucking pain in the arse at times? Yes.
Do I realize why I've had a terrible social history ? No. I have fantastic sideburns.
Am I getting better? Somewhat. I've realised I wasn't 'myself' (as facetious and pandering as that sounds) so I'm working on that.
Why Do I write these? Because I was told it'll help somehow, regardless of how...open or honest I am in them.

Listen, these blogs aren't needy or desperate or mopey or clawing for sympathy. I just find it helps to talk about it.
If I pop this bubble that University is fantastic and everybody's socialising and being brilliant, then deal with it.
The fact is that University has made me feel a lot worse about myself as a person, and that's just something I have to try and overcome.

But hey, get ready for...Pete version 2. The Pete who isn't a garbage boy to his mental kookyness. Or some cheesy motivational nonsense like that. But seriously, you might be surprised.

Artist's best guess.



Friday 6 April 2012

An Alien's analysis of Facebook




This is Mr Alien.
He's overheard his co-workers talking about Facebook for quite some time now, and has finally decided to make an account.

He's been on for a week now. Here are his initial thoughts on certain subjects.

Friends
Facebook friends are just like real friends.
Except they're not.
At all.
They're some socially mandated form of acknowledging a person exists. Do you work with them? Have them in a seminar? Say about 3 words to them a week? Met them at a party as a mutual acquaintance but didn't really speak to them and you both agree that you'll more than likely never communicate again? Want to stalk them? Hate them to such an extent that it's public knowledge? Exes? Divorced? Murdered their children in a corn field ritual?

None of those things matter. YOU MUST BE FACEBOOK FRIENDS.
If you're not friends in real life, then surely you shouldn't be Facebook friends?
Don't want to be informed about somebody's life and various updates? Too bad Mr Alien, for some inane ironic reason, YOU are the selfish one.
Rating: 2 enraged Aliens of social confusion.


Profile Pictures

The Alien needs a profile picture. Let's look at the options.

How about a narcissistic highly homo-erotic self taken shot of you topless in a mirror?
But I'm not a twat. Or in an early 90s boyband. Or a Twat...again. I also look like this topless.
Form a Queue Ladies.

Fair enough Alien. Well you have a car? Why don't you have your profile picture as a car!
Because I'm not a car.

A sound point. I cannot possibly argue with that.
Ok, how about you kissing somebody? Or embracing somebody? Or generally being so 'in wuv' with a person?
I am currently single.

Oh...oh shit right. Well...don't go on Facebook then. Because romance is deader than your franchise rights, and if you're in a relationship you HAVE to have a photo of you kissing or lying stupidly on a bed together, or generally re-inforcing the fact you're in love to nobody in particular. Because you know your relationship is strong when you constantly have to keep reminding yourself it exists. So yeah, have that as a photo because FUCK YOU lonely people.
And if you're single, dumped,socially dejected or like somebody on your friends list who gets a relationship? Well, prepare to have to that drilled into your ridiculous Banana head on a regular basis, no offence.
None Taken.

I'm guessing you're not an illiterate social leech of a young adult with a child?
No.
Well, you can't have a picture of your stupid faced, poorly planned child then.
Tbh it'd look better than most on there anyway.
Dis is ma boy kenzie. I luv him more than anyfing. hes my world. XOXOXO

Well, how about just a photo of your face...so people know that it's you?
Yeah, that'll do. It's clearly the most obvious template, and everybody should follow suit.

Rating: 3 lonely socially rejected Aliens.


Status Updates

So, status time. Do you have any interesting statuses to put?
Well, I've got a funny joke.
That sounds good! Put it!


**********

So, how long's it been since you put that hilarious joke?
5 hours.
And how many likes has it got?
2
Oh....wow...well, I guess some people don't have the effort to like it.
It takes a tenth of a second.
I know Mr Alien....oh god I know. Well, what are other people putting?

Ok, Ok. How about something news related?
I might put a political opinion that I-
NO. Do not do that...or else prepare for an unending argument on your status...DO NOT DO THIS. I plead with all the vigour I have, do not do this.

Well, I'm a bit depressed, I had a crap day at work and now I'm feeling pretty lonely.
Noooo...ooooo...no. The only emotions allowed on Facebook are love and narcissism. Try Myspace 'mood changer' for something like that.
Well, I might steal a Sickipedia joke. Or complain about something mundane yet common. Like..sleep or..traffic.


Do it.

Rating: 1 Poor CGI Alien who is grateful for at least 1 'status like'.



So Mr Alien, what do you think?
I both hate it yet need it in my life. It is an abusive relationship of a website. It both reinforces my positive qualities, yet making me feel sad about myself at the same time.
So why don't you just..stop going on it? Mr Alien...are you there?......


......

Thursday 5 April 2012

Terrible Blimp designs

Back to the standard routine then...

Blimps, they're pretty neat eh? Dirigible-ing up the place without a care in the world (also marks for being called a dirigible, that never hurts)
Some people have decided that blimps alone are not enough (an offensive notion) and as such do things like this.


For irreverent cheap comedy purposes here are some crudely represented blimp ideas that would never....TAKE OFF. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....ha...hur...*sigh*


MR SHEEN
Smoking Kills
Basic Instinct DVD
Anne Robinson


Sunday 1 April 2012

My hilarious Anxiety fueled life.

Bit of a serious blog this, but I'm honest and level headed enough to write about it. I apologise if it's a bit sudden/shocking/awkward/out of the left field for people.

Anyway, recently, myself and actual medical professional who deals with nutty Nutbars like myself had a conversation where this occurred.

Doctor: It sounds like for the past few years you've been having a troubling Inferiority Complex.
Myself: (A few seconds of silence) Is that adjective medically sound or just you...embellishing it?

Anyway, my rigorous cool dry wit notwithstanding, I apparently (definitely) suffer from an Inferiority Complex. And whilst my first mental port of call was that it sounds like a mid 80s action movie whereby Kurt Russell must escape from a poorly designed and ill maintained prison, that is sadly not the case.

"So I could probably just...walk straight out the door right? Yeah, I'm gonna do that"

I won't go into the specifics of what the symptoms are, but there's a link here (http://www.2knowmyself.com/inferiority_complex_symptoms) that's useful if you well...want to know what it is. (Also if you feel like you have any of these then I highly encourage you to talk to somebody)
(Double brackets? WHAT! That site was one of the few I could find that didn't have dating adverts on the side...which is a tad counterproductive)

This isn't just being 'grumpy' or 'having a bad day', this is a continuous thing I've been putting up like a crappy roommate for a few years now and it's been caused by a variety of factors I shan't go into, although if you're friends with me or have known me for a few years you probably have some indication.
I was told it can caused by various factors, social, romantic, employment, social class, race and even sports. And it isn't so much as having a bad football match, but continuously having a match whereby you get picked last, punched in the throat, insulted by the fans and then thrown into an Aztec Tomb full of foul smelling bath salts-Every Month-for years.

Gratuitous arrested development reference.

Something like this can either be calmed in an enclosed social environment such as a new workplace or a university, or it can be completely upgraded and exacerbated to a ridiculous extent, like whenever a monster in the Power Rangers would increase in size by a tenth and attack poorly constructed artificial officeblocks.
So yes University 'Rita Replusa'd' my anxiety problems. (Dear zeus that's an old reference)

I'm not quite sure if this is Nicki Minaj or not...I'm still on the fence.

This can lead to, or be part of, a myriad of other symptoms, mostly depression and stress, two friends of my roommate who will regularly crash over and sleep on the couch (together, they're metaphorically anthropomorphic after all).
It also means that I might be overly honest or apologetic to one person, or trying to forget about them and sever ties with somebody else instead of thinking things through.
We all say things we don't mean, or do things without intending to hurt other people, and I've found I'll do these things more often than most, or alternate between overly brash with one person and then deliberate overthinking I do with another.

If you know somebody who is often grumpy or in a low mood, please don't write them off or find them annoying. They're stressed and upset constantly? Ask them what's wrong, or even try to help.

Don't (And I cannot stress this enough) say something along these lines "Oh my god, you're so depressing!" "Cheer up!" "IT COULD BE WORRRSEEE!".
I shouldn't even have to explain how detrimental and ridiculously counterproductive this is, but a couple of friends of mine who also have this (and have had it for longer) both get it every so often even from people who know them well.
I suppose this is just a biased post based solely on the fact it's something I've got (but I'm currently working on, so...that's good) and I understand if some people aren't quite sure how to react or just downgrade it to 'being sad a lot' (and that's not even true, I'm quite content most of the time. That's right, my illusion of cynical self deprecation is destroyed) but I suppose this is just an informative post that I should have written years ago. (If I had a blog).

Consider it a 'diabetic wristband' in the form of sardonic and verbose post I'd imagine.
This isn't a self-deprecative, clawing for sympathy post or saying 'It's ok, I have an excuse!'. Anything but.
I'm embarrassed to write this, but last month was kind of the tipping point of this for me, and I've said things to people that frankly I'd never even consider or believe any other time. It was nobody's fault, but I said some things to people that, now, I'm absolutely disgusted at myself for even thinking or believing I stood by. I've apologised to those people, but I understand how they reacted like they did. (But this isn't what this blog is about, I'm not writing it to try and curry favour with them or 'win them back' so to speak)
Yep, I thought I was better than I was, but I had actually reached a point where I genuinely had my subconscious 180 certain opinions or beliefs I had, and I seemed content with it. (Thankfully, the only time that's happened)

ANYWAY, this isn't an apology (more of an explanation I'd suppose) but it's something I'm fine talking about, something I'm trying to stab to death heroically like a SamWise Gamgee of emotion.
Here's a crude chart hopefully highlighting it (somewhat based on a metaphorical chart my doctor described to me...I have 'Pete'd it up)



So yeah, I'm fine talking about this, and if it helps people who know me go 'Ooooohhh...right! That explains a lot' then cool. If people find it embarrassing or awkward, then that's their own problem.
I need to re-iterate that this isn't an excuse, an excuse implies that part of me WANTS to do or say certain things, or if I've done something I could have changed but didn't, like being late to an event or not doing work. An excuse suggests this is something I can live with or I'm not bothered about, and this really isn't the case, and I'm currently trying to sort myself out, but it isn't easy, I have a hell of a lot of negative experiences to sift through that are reinforcing it. (I'm talking a solo play on Left 4 Dead Expert mode difficulty)
I'm not like this 100% of the time, it's not something that's constantly 'on', but it does effect how I'll say or act socially every so often, and I don't expect people to forgive me or let me off (If I'm being an arse, call me an arse) but more I hope people can understand (and then call me an arse)
But if you feel like this then please go talk to a doctor or something instead of just stewing away thinking you're just 'being depressing' or 'having a bad week', cause sometimes that week lasts for a pretty long time.