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Sunday, 1 April 2012

My hilarious Anxiety fueled life.

Bit of a serious blog this, but I'm honest and level headed enough to write about it. I apologise if it's a bit sudden/shocking/awkward/out of the left field for people.

Anyway, recently, myself and actual medical professional who deals with nutty Nutbars like myself had a conversation where this occurred.

Doctor: It sounds like for the past few years you've been having a troubling Inferiority Complex.
Myself: (A few seconds of silence) Is that adjective medically sound or just you...embellishing it?

Anyway, my rigorous cool dry wit notwithstanding, I apparently (definitely) suffer from an Inferiority Complex. And whilst my first mental port of call was that it sounds like a mid 80s action movie whereby Kurt Russell must escape from a poorly designed and ill maintained prison, that is sadly not the case.

"So I could probably just...walk straight out the door right? Yeah, I'm gonna do that"

I won't go into the specifics of what the symptoms are, but there's a link here ( that's useful if you well...want to know what it is. (Also if you feel like you have any of these then I highly encourage you to talk to somebody)
(Double brackets? WHAT! That site was one of the few I could find that didn't have dating adverts on the side...which is a tad counterproductive)

This isn't just being 'grumpy' or 'having a bad day', this is a continuous thing I've been putting up like a crappy roommate for a few years now and it's been caused by a variety of factors I shan't go into, although if you're friends with me or have known me for a few years you probably have some indication.
I was told it can caused by various factors, social, romantic, employment, social class, race and even sports. And it isn't so much as having a bad football match, but continuously having a match whereby you get picked last, punched in the throat, insulted by the fans and then thrown into an Aztec Tomb full of foul smelling bath salts-Every Month-for years.

Gratuitous arrested development reference.

Something like this can either be calmed in an enclosed social environment such as a new workplace or a university, or it can be completely upgraded and exacerbated to a ridiculous extent, like whenever a monster in the Power Rangers would increase in size by a tenth and attack poorly constructed artificial officeblocks.
So yes University 'Rita Replusa'd' my anxiety problems. (Dear zeus that's an old reference)

I'm not quite sure if this is Nicki Minaj or not...I'm still on the fence.

This can lead to, or be part of, a myriad of other symptoms, mostly depression and stress, two friends of my roommate who will regularly crash over and sleep on the couch (together, they're metaphorically anthropomorphic after all).
It also means that I might be overly honest or apologetic to one person, or trying to forget about them and sever ties with somebody else instead of thinking things through.
We all say things we don't mean, or do things without intending to hurt other people, and I've found I'll do these things more often than most, or alternate between overly brash with one person and then deliberate overthinking I do with another.

If you know somebody who is often grumpy or in a low mood, please don't write them off or find them annoying. They're stressed and upset constantly? Ask them what's wrong, or even try to help.

Don't (And I cannot stress this enough) say something along these lines "Oh my god, you're so depressing!" "Cheer up!" "IT COULD BE WORRRSEEE!".
I shouldn't even have to explain how detrimental and ridiculously counterproductive this is, but a couple of friends of mine who also have this (and have had it for longer) both get it every so often even from people who know them well.
I suppose this is just a biased post based solely on the fact it's something I've got (but I'm currently working on, so...that's good) and I understand if some people aren't quite sure how to react or just downgrade it to 'being sad a lot' (and that's not even true, I'm quite content most of the time. That's right, my illusion of cynical self deprecation is destroyed) but I suppose this is just an informative post that I should have written years ago. (If I had a blog).

Consider it a 'diabetic wristband' in the form of sardonic and verbose post I'd imagine.
This isn't a self-deprecative, clawing for sympathy post or saying 'It's ok, I have an excuse!'. Anything but.
I'm embarrassed to write this, but last month was kind of the tipping point of this for me, and I've said things to people that frankly I'd never even consider or believe any other time. It was nobody's fault, but I said some things to people that, now, I'm absolutely disgusted at myself for even thinking or believing I stood by. I've apologised to those people, but I understand how they reacted like they did. (But this isn't what this blog is about, I'm not writing it to try and curry favour with them or 'win them back' so to speak)
Yep, I thought I was better than I was, but I had actually reached a point where I genuinely had my subconscious 180 certain opinions or beliefs I had, and I seemed content with it. (Thankfully, the only time that's happened)

ANYWAY, this isn't an apology (more of an explanation I'd suppose) but it's something I'm fine talking about, something I'm trying to stab to death heroically like a SamWise Gamgee of emotion.
Here's a crude chart hopefully highlighting it (somewhat based on a metaphorical chart my doctor described to me...I have 'Pete'd it up)

So yeah, I'm fine talking about this, and if it helps people who know me go 'Ooooohhh...right! That explains a lot' then cool. If people find it embarrassing or awkward, then that's their own problem.
I need to re-iterate that this isn't an excuse, an excuse implies that part of me WANTS to do or say certain things, or if I've done something I could have changed but didn't, like being late to an event or not doing work. An excuse suggests this is something I can live with or I'm not bothered about, and this really isn't the case, and I'm currently trying to sort myself out, but it isn't easy, I have a hell of a lot of negative experiences to sift through that are reinforcing it. (I'm talking a solo play on Left 4 Dead Expert mode difficulty)
I'm not like this 100% of the time, it's not something that's constantly 'on', but it does effect how I'll say or act socially every so often, and I don't expect people to forgive me or let me off (If I'm being an arse, call me an arse) but more I hope people can understand (and then call me an arse)
But if you feel like this then please go talk to a doctor or something instead of just stewing away thinking you're just 'being depressing' or 'having a bad week', cause sometimes that week lasts for a pretty long time.

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