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Friday, 6 April 2012

An Alien's analysis of Facebook

This is Mr Alien.
He's overheard his co-workers talking about Facebook for quite some time now, and has finally decided to make an account.

He's been on for a week now. Here are his initial thoughts on certain subjects.

Facebook friends are just like real friends.
Except they're not.
At all.
They're some socially mandated form of acknowledging a person exists. Do you work with them? Have them in a seminar? Say about 3 words to them a week? Met them at a party as a mutual acquaintance but didn't really speak to them and you both agree that you'll more than likely never communicate again? Want to stalk them? Hate them to such an extent that it's public knowledge? Exes? Divorced? Murdered their children in a corn field ritual?

None of those things matter. YOU MUST BE FACEBOOK FRIENDS.
If you're not friends in real life, then surely you shouldn't be Facebook friends?
Don't want to be informed about somebody's life and various updates? Too bad Mr Alien, for some inane ironic reason, YOU are the selfish one.
Rating: 2 enraged Aliens of social confusion.

Profile Pictures

The Alien needs a profile picture. Let's look at the options.

How about a narcissistic highly homo-erotic self taken shot of you topless in a mirror?
But I'm not a twat. Or in an early 90s boyband. Or a Twat...again. I also look like this topless.
Form a Queue Ladies.

Fair enough Alien. Well you have a car? Why don't you have your profile picture as a car!
Because I'm not a car.

A sound point. I cannot possibly argue with that.
Ok, how about you kissing somebody? Or embracing somebody? Or generally being so 'in wuv' with a person?
I am currently single.

Oh...oh shit right. Well...don't go on Facebook then. Because romance is deader than your franchise rights, and if you're in a relationship you HAVE to have a photo of you kissing or lying stupidly on a bed together, or generally re-inforcing the fact you're in love to nobody in particular. Because you know your relationship is strong when you constantly have to keep reminding yourself it exists. So yeah, have that as a photo because FUCK YOU lonely people.
And if you're single, dumped,socially dejected or like somebody on your friends list who gets a relationship? Well, prepare to have to that drilled into your ridiculous Banana head on a regular basis, no offence.
None Taken.

I'm guessing you're not an illiterate social leech of a young adult with a child?
Well, you can't have a picture of your stupid faced, poorly planned child then.
Tbh it'd look better than most on there anyway.
Dis is ma boy kenzie. I luv him more than anyfing. hes my world. XOXOXO

Well, how about just a photo of your people know that it's you?
Yeah, that'll do. It's clearly the most obvious template, and everybody should follow suit.

Rating: 3 lonely socially rejected Aliens.

Status Updates

So, status time. Do you have any interesting statuses to put?
Well, I've got a funny joke.
That sounds good! Put it!


So, how long's it been since you put that hilarious joke?
5 hours.
And how many likes has it got?
2, I guess some people don't have the effort to like it.
It takes a tenth of a second.
I know Mr Alien....oh god I know. Well, what are other people putting?

Ok, Ok. How about something news related?
I might put a political opinion that I-
NO. Do not do that...or else prepare for an unending argument on your status...DO NOT DO THIS. I plead with all the vigour I have, do not do this.

Well, I'm a bit depressed, I had a crap day at work and now I'm feeling pretty lonely. The only emotions allowed on Facebook are love and narcissism. Try Myspace 'mood changer' for something like that.
Well, I might steal a Sickipedia joke. Or complain about something mundane yet common. Like..sleep or..traffic.

Do it.

Rating: 1 Poor CGI Alien who is grateful for at least 1 'status like'.

So Mr Alien, what do you think?
I both hate it yet need it in my life. It is an abusive relationship of a website. It both reinforces my positive qualities, yet making me feel sad about myself at the same time.
So why don't you just..stop going on it? Mr Alien...are you there?......


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