Deleted Friend activities from Grand Theft Auto 4.

Is three years too late to hop on the bandwagon?
Is there even a bandwagon to hop on?

Who gives a Caligula-organised buggering anyway.

"Hey Cousin what are you up to? Let's get our anuses bleached!"
"Hey Cousin what are you up to? Let's organise a gay pride rally!"
"Hey Cousin what are you up to? Let's buy fancy 17th century replica pocket watches!"
"Hey Cousin what are you up to? Let's actually go IN A SANDBOX!"
"Hey Cousin what are you up to? Let's compare toenail clippings!"
"Hey Cousin what are you up to? Let's drink responsibly and safely walk home!"
"Hey Cousin what are you up to? Let's upgrade our broadband to a more reliable provider!"
"Hey Cousin what are you up to? Let's clear out the attic!"
"Hey Cousin what are you up to? Let's do Bill Cosby impressions and hurl fashion-based critique abuse at pedestrians!"
"Hey Cousin what are you up to? Let's make a box fort!"
"Hey Cousin what are you up to? Let's convert protein into energy!"
"Hey Cousin what are you up to? Let's wear inappropriate hats at social situations that call for an entirely different category of hat"
"Hey Cousin what are you up to? Let's edit and sabotage the Wikipedia page of Henry 7th with the facts of Henry the 6th!"
"Hey Cousin what are you up to? Let's play Wand of Gamalon!"
"Hey Cousin what are you up to? I wonder what's for dinner!"
"Hey Cousin what are you up to? Let's eat octorocks!"
"Hey Cousin what are you up to? Let's bomb some dadongos!"
"Hey Cousin what are you up to? Let's put on our red shoes and dance the blues!"
"Hey Cousin what are you up to? Let's wash out our used cans and containers for the recycle collection"
"Hey Cousin what are you up to? Let's shave each other!"

The Job Offer

Clive sat down at his desk like a man who couldn’t type very well standing up. These TPS reports weren’t going to file themselves, which in all honesty was a good thing, else Clive would be unemployed.
The dull ‘reverbing’ buzz of the computer was pleasant, like feedback from the world’s weakest guitar amplifier; it was the sort of noise that made Clive feel secure from the pitch black clouds that loomed outside, and the rain that was battering the window like a swarm of irritated wasps. Angry enough to form a collective mob harbouring similar feelings of resentment, but not smart enough to work out how to use their collective mass to open a window; to summarise, Clive thought....Wasps are idiots.
This insect-weather contempt was cut short when Clive heard a voice call his name, which technically is kind of obvious...you don’t exactly see voices, or smell them. But I digress, it was a woman, a woman’s voice drenched in stern, yet class, authority.
“Clive, can I see you in my office?”
“I don’t know, maybe if you moved one of your cabinets away from the window. Or set up some cameras” He pushed his glasses awkwardly with his forefinger
“No I mean, now. Can I physically see you there now?”
“Oh. Right. Yeah I’ll be there in a sec. Actually, seeing as you’re partially out of your office, wouldn’t it be easier for you to come to me?”
“It’s a private matter”
“Then why do you need me?”
“A private matter ABOUT YOU”
“Oh.....then you could just whisper”
“Just get in here quickly, ok? Please?”
“Righto. I’ll be there in a sec”
Clive instinctively felt the dull gut punch of panic, like when you take a bite out of a chocolate cake and realise it’s merely a sour fruit gateaux.
Steven from row C mimed the act of a noose around his neck and winked at Clive. Clive raised an eyebrow and tightened his forehead, unsure what the 17^th century punishment for stealing corn had to do with his impromptu meeting with Veronica.

Clive ambled towards Veronica’s door and knocked; a relatively pointless act as she A) had a wall of windows and B) had just asked for him anyway that minute.
Pushing open the door Clive stood upright, hands in his pockets.
“You wanted to see me Veronica”
She rose from her chair and placed her palms on the desk, her black hair hanging in front of her eyes, in a way that only hair can.
Her blazer was unbuttoned in a ‘get off speeding tickets’ fashion and she had all the confidence and presence of a woman who knew what she was doing, be it in terms of a strong demeanour and a fully working ability to send electrical signals to the brain, but that’s just an unrelated scientific truth that only Clive would have acknowledged.
“Are you married Clive?”
“No”
“Girlfriend?”
“I’m sorry?”
“As in..Do..you...have..one?”
“Oh...No, no I don’t” He didn’t so much as speak his words as struggle to push them out, he had a disturbing feeling that Veronica didn’t want to talk about the quality of fax machine paper. Which frankly, needed to be discussed.
“I’m going to be blunt with you Clive” Veronica moved in front of her desk, arms folded and almost tiptoeing forward, slinked in front of him.
“I’m bored Clive. I’m just....so bored all of the time”
“Have you tried getting....a game boy?” He swallowed. Hard.
She placed her hand at the top of his thigh. This was rare, hands were never at the top of Clive’s thigh, not even his own, save for some aggressive crumb removal whenever he’d be careless whilst eating muffins.
“My Husband” She whispered in a voice that had no place in an office, “My husband refuses to...give me things. He doesn’t share”
“What? Like....a communist?” Every word choked Clive as they dredged themselves out of his throat.
Clive remained motionless, his eyes transfixed at an arbitrary spot on the wall that may as well have been a sight on par with the Sistine chapel, albeit confined to a 1cm piece of drywall.
“You’re desk looks very...presentable”
“I have sex on it”
“Wow...that must be...bad for its overall state. I mean, it mustn’t be doing the stability any...favours”
She removed her hand, stepped backwards and laughed, her usual feminine voice becoming quite deep and aggressive.
Clive had never considered himself an attractive individual. One colleague had once joked that he had all the appeal of a mass grave full of children. Well it seemed a joke. Clive had laughed, but in retrospect it was on par with the laugh of a hostage.

She looked at him, one eyebrow raised and a stern expression on her lips. Here was a woman who wanted wine and he was bringing her coke. Two beads of sweat raced down Clive’s forehead, his hands clenched in his pockets.
“So...I have to go, I’ll be done with the Coleman reports pretty soon. Yeah..pretty soonish”
“I’m not going to lie Clive. The reason I’ve chosen you out of all those idiots outside is that you’re least likely to tell all your buddies about this over poker or whatever the hell you men do. You’re efficient and you’re reliable, and that’s what I need.”
Clive was clenching his fists so hard that his nails were digging into his palms, it was a good thing he was pedantic with his clipping, else they would have caused some serious damage.
“Veronica. This seems very...un-you. It’s quite stereotypical and a borderline offensive portrayal of women, and as a staunch equal rights advocate I find that quite......unpleasant”
She was so close now he could feel her breath on his lips and, truth be told, it was quite annoying. This was at the forefront of Clive’s mind, and for a second he considered taking up her offer if only to get rid of that irritating warmth that she was blowing onto his face.
“You don’t know me Clive.” She smiled “I see you every day, you eat by yourself, you do your work double time, hell you even sit in your car before work every morning for a few minutes”
“I wait for the song on the radio to finish...else it just irks me”
Veronica moved backwards and then sat down, a move so abrupt that Clive took a second to realise that she was no longer in his face, she began shuffling papers, her eyes away from Clive.
“Um....what are you doing?” He stuttered.
“Work, some of us aren’t as good as you.” She laughed “But, just think about what I said OK? You can go now” She winked once, that was one too many for Clive.
He exited stiffly, all the poise and subtlety of a man who’d just witnessed a murder. He ambled back to his desk, Steven was still ‘noosing’ about as he walked past.
“What was that about then man?”Steven smirked, the smirk of a prick.
“I think she wants to have sex with me” Clive stuttered each word, deadpan.
Steven rolled back in his chair and laughed loudly.
“That’s classic man! Shit, I didn’t know you were a funny guy! Well, whatever Dude. I gotta work”
Clive sunk into his chair, expressionless. He had a plethora of emotions to choose from in this emotional tombola, but he could only pick out one; guilt. He felt bad lying to Veronica. He’d already done the Coleman reports hours ago.

Untitled thing.

Int. A small seminar room, quiet and with little distractions. There are 3 people on a small table, each doing various bits of work. NICK is sat next to LUCY and opposite them on the table is KEN. (With me so far? Good? Good.)

Nick
Seven squared?

Ken
Forty-nine.

Nick writes this down

Nick
Fifty-five divided by eleven?

Ken (Raising an eyebrow)
Five...

Nick writes this down

Nick
Seventy X divided by twenty X?

Ken
...Malcolm X.

Nick writes this down. Lucy on the opposite side of the table looks up, bemused.

Nick
The root of six thousand?

Ken
Beirut.

Lucy
Nick, you are aware what he is doing?

Nick
Why yes Lucy...yes I am.

Nick shows his notepad to Ken, “YOU’RE A TWAT’ is written in capital letters.

Ken
Well...at least you managed to spell ‘you’re’ correctly. What’s up with that work anyway, it seems a bit too easy and/or patronising for university.

Nick
It’s a ‘maths refresher’. We’re meant to do some stripped down basic sums to remind us of the ‘beauty of maths’.

Lucy
Is that like The Power of Love?

Ken
Huey Lewis and the news, or Frankie Goes to Hollywood?

Lucy
What’s the difference?

Ken (air-quotes)
The type of ‘Love’ involved...

Nick
I don’t see the point of this; I don’t care for the beauty of maths.

Ken
Nobody does. The only people who care for the beauty of maths, let alone use that phrase ‘non-ironically’ make chairs out of skin.

Lucy
At least the angles would be accurate...

Ken
Ooh, well played.

We hear a door open and GID appears, he throws his bag onto the table.

Gid
Shit. Shitting shit! Shitting shitballs.

The Screen freezes, the boss music from Mega Man 2 plays (youtube it) and the words “GID” “CURRENTLY ANNOYED” appear.

Ken
That’s very upbeat. What’s up?

Gid
Hamlet! Again! Sodding Hamlet, I’ve done Hamlet the past two years, yet once it appears in the curriculum like a fucking poltergeist. Seriously, if I have to do any more Hamlet I will, appropriately, kill myself.

Ken
Context relevant...

Gid
I hate Hamlet more than the degrading remains of Saxo Grammaticus.

Nick
Isn’t that a car manufacturer?

Gid
He’s 12^th century Danish Historian, Shakespeare ‘borrowed’ a lot of his story elements. See! See what it does to you! You know that idea that new knowledge pushes something else out? That’s what is happening, I know that bloody fact which will appeal to Danish people, lecturers, and Danish Lecturers, but it’s probably meant I’ve now forgotten something tedious and minor but to me, incredibly important, like secondary Batman Villains or how fast it took the Millennium Falcon to do the Kessel run.

Ken
The what...run?

Gid (Despair)
I don’t know!

Lucy
At least you haven’t spent the past 2 months watching ‘Crash’ for your media course.

Gid (Sitting down)

Isn’t that the racism movie?

Ken
I imagine it’s a bit more ‘in depth’ than that.

Lucy
No, Gid’s absolutely right. It spends 2 hours telling you how all races are equal, and that hey...black people aren’t bad! And Latinos aren’t lazy, and white people aren’t all racist. And then you’re supposed to be surprised and awestruck at this knowledge, even though it’s common sense. It’s the most patronising, smug piece of crap I will ever see. I expected it to end with Ebony and Ivory playing at the credits. Although, I now hate racism more than I did before, so it had a positive effect on me. Urgh!

Gid
So...apart from my Shakespearean contempt and Lucy’s ‘after school special’, what are we all up to?

Ken
I’m just killing time till my next seminar.

Nick (head in his work)
I’m learning about the beauty of maths...

Gid

The beauty of maths? Don’t people who say that make chairs out of-

Ken
We already discussed that.

Gid
Oh, right.

Lucy
Have you seen Kenneth Branagh’s version of Hamlet? It’s 3 hours long, but really good. We watched it last year in theatre. Although not as good as the Romeo and Juliet with Leonardo Dicaprio.

Ken
What happens in that version?

Lucy
He does things....in a shirt. I think that outweighs the fundamentals of it.

Gid
How generically ‘woman-like’.

Nick
Isn’t Kenneth Branagh the bad guy in Wild Wild West, with the metal legs?

Gid
It’s a shame your first port of call for Kenneth Brannagh is a film with a giant metal spider...

Nick (oblivious)
Will Smith did the sound-track!

Gid
That is true...

Lucy
It’s amazing how you can be so...simple Nick.

Gid
Well it’s an odd world...we’ve got wars, paranormal events, and people who find it perfectly acceptable to give Gwyneth Paltrow an academy award.

Ken
What for?

Gid(Contempt)
Shakespeare in Love.

Lucy
Ooh, full circle.

Ken
That beat Saving Private Ryan for best Picture...just let that sink in.

Gid (Starts off accusatory, shifts into depressed)
It’s sad how that affects you...and me for that matter.

Nick (in his work)
Isn’t Saving Private Ryan based on a true story?

Ken
Not really.

Nick (lifting his head)
Yes it is...world war 2.

Gid
Ooh, reversal.

Lucy
Hey, can we even be in this room?

Nick
Nobody’s here.

Ken
Evidently...

Gid
Yeah, when you text me, I found it a bit odd. But whatever, I’ll just blag it...

Lucy
You’ll blag it?

Gid
Yeah, anyway, why this room?

Ken
We all sort of just had time to kill and the door was left open so, why not?

Gid (raised eyebrow)
Why not?

We hear a door open and a voice off-screen say ‘hello?’. Gid shrieks and flails dramatically (GET IT?! GET THE COMEDY THERE??!)

Ken
Can we help you?

Girl at door
Is this the spelunking club?

The group look at each other awkwardly for a few seconds.

All at once (Minus Nick)
No.

Nick
Maybe.

Girl at door
Oh right, never mind.

She closes the door and leaves.

Gid
We have a spelunking club? When did this happen?

Lucy
What’s spelunking?

Nick
Cave exploring, odd because she seemed too attractive for it.

Ken
I don’t even think that’s a stereotype.

Nick
Name one attractive cave explorer, apart from Lara Croft.

Ken
I can’t even name one cave explorer full stop, and you know...that’s never kept me awake at night.

Nick
I reckon I’d make a good cave explorer, and we were talking about WW2 earlier, I reckon I’d be pretty good at that aswell.

Lucy
Really?

Nick
Me and Tom Hanks, taking down Nazis, I’m pretty sure that’d be great.

Gid
Even I could kick your arse.

Nick
Oh yeah? Please explain.

This next bit will make a lot more sense if you’re a fan of Hong Kong Cinema, but...deal with it. Nick and Gid, on opposite sides of the table, now wearing shades, both draw guns in a very obnoxiously ballet-esque slow motion. (Easy to film, I’ll make sure of it)
Cut back to Gid thinking and then Zach.

Zach
Were you thinking the same as-

Gid
John Woo movie?

Zach
John Woo movie.

Lucy
John Who?

Nick
John WOO.

Lucy
That’s what I just asked!

Gid
Don’t do this to yourselves...

Lucy
I have no idea what you guys are on about.

Nick
You never have any idea-

Gid
Stop it!

Nick
Stop what?

Gid
That...that back and forth ‘whimsy’ snappy dialogue...it’s like a tedious sitcom. Except you two lack the necessary sexual tension to be entertaining, that said ee all know that sitcoms are ruined after the two leads do it. Under no circumstances should they, apart from the expected pornographic parody. My flatmate bought one as a joke, and let me tell you, everybody certainly does love Raymond.

Lucy
The Frankie goes to Hollywood kind?

Gid
If only...wait..that didn’t come out right.

Ken
You know that an in-depth discussion about something quite thin and low-brow, like a sitcom, is a staple of most sitcoms...so you’re not doing yourself any favours.

Gid
Alright ok from now on, let’s just do some work. No catchphrases, no wacky over the top shenanigans, let’s just be boring meat-and-potatoes individuals, no stereotypes or whatever.

We cut to somebody standing near the table, wearing a backwards hat and a manner of ‘wacky clothing’.

Stereotype

He’s damn right, Ri-dunk-u-lous!

Cut to black

Gid (Voice only)
Right, I’m leaving.

We hear the door close, and a few seconds of silence.

Lucy
Everybody else can see this guy right?

Nick
I’m sorry...who are you?

Ken
Just be quiet, maybe he’ll leave.

Roll credits.

After credits sequence, we see the back head of a soldier crouching on a sloped hill on a field, (Easy to film, just need to get some props for the top half of the two guys). We hear his voice off-screen and then see NICK awkwardly clamber into show in front of him.

Nick
Tom... Tom... Tom! Tom hey! Isn’t this war crazy, by the way, I loved Forrest Gump!

Cut to Black, we hear an explosion

Nick( Slightly flustered, but nonchalant)
Oops, Shrapnel.

Show Lutube TV logo, AND END.