Untitled thing.

Int. A small seminar room, quiet and with little distractions. There are 3 people on a small table, each doing various bits of work. NICK is sat next to LUCY and opposite them on the table is KEN. (With me so far? Good? Good.)

Nick
Seven squared?

Ken
Forty-nine.

Nick writes this down

Nick
Fifty-five divided by eleven?

Ken (Raising an eyebrow)
Five...

Nick writes this down

Nick
Seventy X divided by twenty X?

Ken
...Malcolm X.

Nick writes this down. Lucy on the opposite side of the table looks up, bemused.

Nick
The root of six thousand?

Ken
Beirut.

Lucy
Nick, you are aware what he is doing?

Nick
Why yes Lucy...yes I am.

Nick shows his notepad to Ken, “YOU’RE A TWAT’ is written in capital letters.

Ken
Well...at least you managed to spell ‘you’re’ correctly. What’s up with that work anyway, it seems a bit too easy and/or patronising for university.

Nick
It’s a ‘maths refresher’. We’re meant to do some stripped down basic sums to remind us of the ‘beauty of maths’.

Lucy
Is that like The Power of Love?

Ken
Huey Lewis and the news, or Frankie Goes to Hollywood?

Lucy
What’s the difference?

Ken (air-quotes)
The type of ‘Love’ involved...

Nick
I don’t see the point of this; I don’t care for the beauty of maths.

Ken
Nobody does. The only people who care for the beauty of maths, let alone use that phrase ‘non-ironically’ make chairs out of skin.

Lucy
At least the angles would be accurate...

Ken
Ooh, well played.

We hear a door open and GID appears, he throws his bag onto the table.

Gid
Shit. Shitting shit! Shitting shitballs.

The Screen freezes, the boss music from Mega Man 2 plays (youtube it) and the words “GID” “CURRENTLY ANNOYED” appear.

Ken
That’s very upbeat. What’s up?

Gid
Hamlet! Again! Sodding Hamlet, I’ve done Hamlet the past two years, yet once it appears in the curriculum like a fucking poltergeist. Seriously, if I have to do any more Hamlet I will, appropriately, kill myself.

Ken
Context relevant...

Gid
I hate Hamlet more than the degrading remains of Saxo Grammaticus.

Nick
Isn’t that a car manufacturer?

Gid
He’s 12^th century Danish Historian, Shakespeare ‘borrowed’ a lot of his story elements. See! See what it does to you! You know that idea that new knowledge pushes something else out? That’s what is happening, I know that bloody fact which will appeal to Danish people, lecturers, and Danish Lecturers, but it’s probably meant I’ve now forgotten something tedious and minor but to me, incredibly important, like secondary Batman Villains or how fast it took the Millennium Falcon to do the Kessel run.

Ken
The what...run?

Gid (Despair)
I don’t know!

Lucy
At least you haven’t spent the past 2 months watching ‘Crash’ for your media course.

Gid (Sitting down)

Isn’t that the racism movie?

Ken
I imagine it’s a bit more ‘in depth’ than that.

Lucy
No, Gid’s absolutely right. It spends 2 hours telling you how all races are equal, and that hey...black people aren’t bad! And Latinos aren’t lazy, and white people aren’t all racist. And then you’re supposed to be surprised and awestruck at this knowledge, even though it’s common sense. It’s the most patronising, smug piece of crap I will ever see. I expected it to end with Ebony and Ivory playing at the credits. Although, I now hate racism more than I did before, so it had a positive effect on me. Urgh!

Gid
So...apart from my Shakespearean contempt and Lucy’s ‘after school special’, what are we all up to?

Ken
I’m just killing time till my next seminar.

Nick (head in his work)
I’m learning about the beauty of maths...

Gid

The beauty of maths? Don’t people who say that make chairs out of-

Ken
We already discussed that.

Gid
Oh, right.

Lucy
Have you seen Kenneth Branagh’s version of Hamlet? It’s 3 hours long, but really good. We watched it last year in theatre. Although not as good as the Romeo and Juliet with Leonardo Dicaprio.

Ken
What happens in that version?

Lucy
He does things....in a shirt. I think that outweighs the fundamentals of it.

Gid
How generically ‘woman-like’.

Nick
Isn’t Kenneth Branagh the bad guy in Wild Wild West, with the metal legs?

Gid
It’s a shame your first port of call for Kenneth Brannagh is a film with a giant metal spider...

Nick (oblivious)
Will Smith did the sound-track!

Gid
That is true...

Lucy
It’s amazing how you can be so...simple Nick.

Gid
Well it’s an odd world...we’ve got wars, paranormal events, and people who find it perfectly acceptable to give Gwyneth Paltrow an academy award.

Ken
What for?

Gid(Contempt)
Shakespeare in Love.

Lucy
Ooh, full circle.

Ken
That beat Saving Private Ryan for best Picture...just let that sink in.

Gid (Starts off accusatory, shifts into depressed)
It’s sad how that affects you...and me for that matter.

Nick (in his work)
Isn’t Saving Private Ryan based on a true story?

Ken
Not really.

Nick (lifting his head)
Yes it is...world war 2.

Gid
Ooh, reversal.

Lucy
Hey, can we even be in this room?

Nick
Nobody’s here.

Ken
Evidently...

Gid
Yeah, when you text me, I found it a bit odd. But whatever, I’ll just blag it...

Lucy
You’ll blag it?

Gid
Yeah, anyway, why this room?

Ken
We all sort of just had time to kill and the door was left open so, why not?

Gid (raised eyebrow)
Why not?

We hear a door open and a voice off-screen say ‘hello?’. Gid shrieks and flails dramatically (GET IT?! GET THE COMEDY THERE??!)

Ken
Can we help you?

Girl at door
Is this the spelunking club?

The group look at each other awkwardly for a few seconds.

All at once (Minus Nick)
No.

Nick
Maybe.

Girl at door
Oh right, never mind.

She closes the door and leaves.

Gid
We have a spelunking club? When did this happen?

Lucy
What’s spelunking?

Nick
Cave exploring, odd because she seemed too attractive for it.

Ken
I don’t even think that’s a stereotype.

Nick
Name one attractive cave explorer, apart from Lara Croft.

Ken
I can’t even name one cave explorer full stop, and you know...that’s never kept me awake at night.

Nick
I reckon I’d make a good cave explorer, and we were talking about WW2 earlier, I reckon I’d be pretty good at that aswell.

Lucy
Really?

Nick
Me and Tom Hanks, taking down Nazis, I’m pretty sure that’d be great.

Gid
Even I could kick your arse.

Nick
Oh yeah? Please explain.

This next bit will make a lot more sense if you’re a fan of Hong Kong Cinema, but...deal with it. Nick and Gid, on opposite sides of the table, now wearing shades, both draw guns in a very obnoxiously ballet-esque slow motion. (Easy to film, I’ll make sure of it)
Cut back to Gid thinking and then Zach.

Zach
Were you thinking the same as-

Gid
John Woo movie?

Zach
John Woo movie.

Lucy
John Who?

Nick
John WOO.

Lucy
That’s what I just asked!

Gid
Don’t do this to yourselves...

Lucy
I have no idea what you guys are on about.

Nick
You never have any idea-

Gid
Stop it!

Nick
Stop what?

Gid
That...that back and forth ‘whimsy’ snappy dialogue...it’s like a tedious sitcom. Except you two lack the necessary sexual tension to be entertaining, that said ee all know that sitcoms are ruined after the two leads do it. Under no circumstances should they, apart from the expected pornographic parody. My flatmate bought one as a joke, and let me tell you, everybody certainly does love Raymond.

Lucy
The Frankie goes to Hollywood kind?

Gid
If only...wait..that didn’t come out right.

Ken
You know that an in-depth discussion about something quite thin and low-brow, like a sitcom, is a staple of most sitcoms...so you’re not doing yourself any favours.

Gid
Alright ok from now on, let’s just do some work. No catchphrases, no wacky over the top shenanigans, let’s just be boring meat-and-potatoes individuals, no stereotypes or whatever.

We cut to somebody standing near the table, wearing a backwards hat and a manner of ‘wacky clothing’.

Stereotype

He’s damn right, Ri-dunk-u-lous!

Cut to black

Gid (Voice only)
Right, I’m leaving.

We hear the door close, and a few seconds of silence.

Lucy
Everybody else can see this guy right?

Nick
I’m sorry...who are you?

Ken
Just be quiet, maybe he’ll leave.

Roll credits.

After credits sequence, we see the back head of a soldier crouching on a sloped hill on a field, (Easy to film, just need to get some props for the top half of the two guys). We hear his voice off-screen and then see NICK awkwardly clamber into show in front of him.

Nick
Tom... Tom... Tom! Tom hey! Isn’t this war crazy, by the way, I loved Forrest Gump!

Cut to Black, we hear an explosion

Nick( Slightly flustered, but nonchalant)
Oops, Shrapnel.

Show Lutube TV logo, AND END.