My employment history as a minor video game character

It’s a hard recession we’re dealing with, I’ve recently had to find a job in the video game industry. Literally INSIDE of it, mind you, as I’ve spent the past year moving from job to job within the world itself. I vividly recall my internal monologue on the first (and more than likely, LAST) day of each job.

As a lemming

“Ok here we go...part of a team. We’ve all got uniforms and matching hair, like a delightful Reich. Let’s do...whatever we need to do. I mean, it’s just walking in a straight line amidst a vivid series of backgrounds right how hard could that- HOLYSHITHOLYSHITARHGGHHHHHH.

A trap door? How is that meant to motivate us? That is neither whimsical nor joyous, it’s a bloody safety hazard. I’ve definitely sprained my ankle. Ok, let’s get on with it, lemming #32 is leading the pack and he’s now a....basher. Yep, he’s totally bashing those walls in. I hope I get something interesting yet physically restrained, like...the guy with the bag of steps, that’d be pretty nifty, dictating how many levels we have. What’s that? You don’t want to go upwards? TOO BAD.

Oh, the mouse! The mouse is hovering over me! Here it is, my time to shine, I hope I don’t make an absolute arsenargler out of myself, as is my won’t.
Ok, so...umbrella? Nope not that. Pickaxe? Nope, I don’t have the arm strength anyway.

Oh damn it all....

A blocker? Really? I knew I should haven’t come out last, curse my well mannered civility. It’s one way! Nobody is going to turn around!
I don’t deserve this.
I'm so lonely.
I hope somebody signs me out at the end of the shift....

As a Mortal Kombat spectator

Ow...ow...ow...this is incredibly uncomfortable and ergonomically inefficient.
Couldn't they get me a stool instead of a poorly knotted noose?
So I'm getting paid to watch two flamboyant repressed rage-a-holics use elaborate martial arts and supernatural powers to determine the winner of some unknown tedious quarrel in some manner of...sinister, poorly lit woodland area?


Fair enough.

Oh, a spear to the sternum...that'll be a bit of a bugger. You think you've got it bad Pal? My neck's going to sleep here.
I need to scratch foot but my arm won't reach....this is my own Mortal Kombat...
Oh, ice ball. That's nice. A bit...ridiculous, but hey whatever you've got.
Oh! HA!
That guy just shot a fireball, and it brushed against my foot, thus removing the itch!
And a layer of skin, but that is irrelevant.
Are they still fighting? They should talk, or at least spend time apart till they cool off. HA, cool off...because he's been set aflame via a heat based energy projectile.
But I digress, they have some problems they should resolve in a more efficient manner.

Well, at least it's less homo-erotic than wrestling.

As an Abitrary Pokemon trainer

Oh right, I appear to be in sepia tone and have circles for hands. That'll be a bother in so many ways, not least with holding Cornettos.

So I just...stand in this grass and wait for people to enter my periphery before challenging them? This is borderline crude sexual assault, and inherently lazy.
I could at least get an mp3 player or a game boy if I'm going to be some dominating enraged scarecrow of a human being.

OH. THERE HE IS!
I SEE HIM!
He's right there! Why can't I do anything...I can see him, he's just to the left of me. UNFREEZE ME YOU DOMINEERING MONSTERS OF GODS.

Ahh, right there we go.

Pokemon Trainer Pete wants to battle!

No, I don't want to battle. I am BEING FORCED TO battle. At least I'm getting paid for this violence fuelled Reich of a society.
Ok, I have a....level 14 Pidgey. That is expected as I imagine I spend all my time stood in place silently growing old and staving off death.

This man has a....level 64 Charizard.
Fuck my face.
Really?
You're fighting an orphanage with a fucking panzer tank here buddy.

And as expected, I have lost....
Wait. WAIT. I have to give him money?
That wasn't part of the deal! What jumped up fantastical cock fighting ring am I part of?!
I'm going to ask Officer Jenny for a job.

As a Dino crisis 2 background corpse

So I just lie about here in a grotesque cocoon of my own effluent entrails, gore and horrid filth whilst two people run about and fight violently deadly prehistoric creatures?

Fair enough.
I'll be here when you realise you need to backtrack for 20 minutes to get the flashing key on my belt.

English adaptations of American TV

People complain a lot.
I complain a lot.
I hear people complain about American adaptations of popular British TV shows, and whilst a couple tend to have some degree of success and use it merely as a platform and not an entire ideology (The Office), many others are for lack of a better phrase, fucking awful.

This is the American version of Spaced. It's like going from a warm bath to getting buckshot in your gullet.

There's currently an adaptation of 'Only Fools and Horses' being worked on, not to mention failed Pilots for 'The I.T Crowd' and 'The Thick Of It' floating around on the internet. There's also being Human (Because apparently being a werewolf is all about geographical background and not the fact you're a a BLOODY werewolf.), America's got talent, Life On Mars, Whose line is it anyway....yadda yadda yadda.

I've decided to take a few hit US TV shows (Some I've seen, some I haven't) and adapt them to a British Market based entirely on a crude IMDB-esque synopsis.


Breaking Bad

The Wikipedia synopsis: Breaking Bad is the story of Walter White (Bryan Cranston), a struggling high school chemistry teacher who is diagnosed with advanced lung cancer at the beginning of the series. He turns to a life of crime, producing and selling methamphetamine with a former student, Jesse Pinkman (Aaron Paul), with the aim of securing his family's financial future before he dies.

Now, I've seen this show and it immediately neck punched it's way into one of my top 10 shows I've ever seen. I watched the first episode at about...7.40 am one morning and then crammed the entire 4 seasons into 10 days, which as somebody who doesn't have a girlfriend was surprisingly easier than I thought it would be. But anyway, bias notwithstanding, here is my KOOKY adaptation.

Drug Numptys is the story of Willy White (James Corden), a struggling insurance salesman who is diagnosed with a *BAFTA award sympathising Illness* . He turns to a life of moderate hilarious shenanigans, producing and selling 'meow meow' to impressionable awful teenagers. The show revolves around Willy falling over, showing his fat rolls, and occasionally engaging in turf wars with gang leaders. The show would be a studio sitcom, and as such this would all be revealed in hilarious witty dialogue with an out of touch elderly stereotype of a character.


Mad Men

Wikipedia Synopsis: Mad Men is set in the 1960s, initially at the fictional Sterling Cooper advertising agency on Madison Avenue in New York City, and later at the newly created firm Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce. The focal point of the series is Don Draper (Jon Hamm), creative director at Sterling Cooper and a founding partner at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, and the people in his life, both in and out of the office. As such, it regularly depicts the changing moods and social mores of 1960s America.

I've never really seen this show, I know it wins all the Emmys and is the reason The Walking Dead had it's budget halved for season 2. From what I've seen and read, I frankly don't care for it.

Mad Bad Ad blokes is a new high pitch reality TV series whereby the heads of major channels (and ITV) are propositioned by low level employees in major companies (runners, security, mop...people) who have advertising ideas for the products of their respective employers. Unable to reach the higher ups, this is their chance for their ideas to be heard. Of course, the companies will have the final say...in the advert anyway...and whichever channel invests can be the only one to show it, severely limiting the viewing audience.

Fuck it, let's have 28 minutes of ridiculous Japanese commercials.

The Big Bang Theory

Wikipedia synopsis:The show is centered on five characters: roommates Leonard Hofstadter and Sheldon Cooper, two physicists who work at the California Institute of Technology (Caltech); Penny, a blonde waitress and aspiring actress who lives across the hall; and Leonard and Sheldon's equally geeky and socially awkward friends and co-workers aerospace engineer Howard Wolowitz and astrophysicist Rajesh Koothrappali. The geekiness and intellect of the four guys is contrasted for comic effect with Penny's social skills and common sense.

As somebody who inhabits certain manifestations and enjoys elements of 'geek culture' I hate this show. I absolutely loathe it's patronising, stereotypical, outdated insulting views on people of 'higher intelligence' or Star Wars fans. The guy who likes Star Trek can't talk to women? Every time a character says 'Super Nintendo' the audience howl with laughter as if he's completely detached from the rest of society? This is Geek Blackface. This is one of those crude 30s anti-Semitic drawings towards anybody who is a fan of science fiction.


Outdated Stereotypes focuses on a regular ordinary member of the human race (Benedict Cumberbatch) called Phil. He enjoys foreign food, Korean cinema, 19th century Art, is a great hockey player and enjoys socialising at quiet pubs. He also is a fan of Star Wars and computers, these two facts overshadowing his entire persona and reducing him to a 2d vacuous cardboard stereotype of a human being who can't go a sentence without these things being mentioned:

• He is intelligent
• He likes obscure sci-fi or things deemed 'uncool'
• He cannot talk to the opposite sex
• He enjoys video games and culture therein
• Referencing a popular icon in the fantasy community (Leonard Nimoy or George Takei)
• He lives with his mother.

The show will get 15 million viewers an episode and successfully undo all the positive stereotype destroying work of 'The Simpsons' 'Futurama' and 'Spaced'.

Community

Imdb synopsis: (Wikipedia was too long)
A smarmy lawyer, whose education is deemed void by the bar, is forced to attend a local community college with an extremely eclectic staff and student body.

Just kidding! If anybody touches this show I'll personally call upon the celestial forces of the known universe to destroy them under a canvas of asteroids and really big pieces of hail.

Flo Rida collaborations I wouldn't be surprised happen

Flo Rida seems to be everywhere these days, just like Economic crisis, Terrorism OR unlike the opposite sex in my life. (Obligatory self deprecating, yet true remark? Check. Right, moving on)

As such, here are some possible collaborations I would not be surprised (I would) to find emerge from whatever musical Sarlaac he resides in, in the near future.

If anybody knows what's going on in this cover than please feel free to keep it to yourself.
Also is he urinating in that mailbox? It certainly looks like that way. That or he's launching out of his jeans like a one man beat dropping USSR ground to air missile.


Flo Rida (Feat. Coldplay): The club can't handle my views on Water Aid.

Flo Rida (Feat. Metallica): For whom the bell tolls, (Bell in this sentence means 'Bee-yatch')
Flo Rida (Feat. Lil Wayne): Horrifically titled grammatical nightmare

This man screams 'PAY ATTENTION TO ME'. He's the musical equivalent of a 4 year old pissing on the wall.

Flo Rida (Feat. U2): Desperately trying to remain relevant (Diiirrtyyy club remix)
Flo Rida (Feat. Akon): Hu dat bitch u kno (Phonetic translation edition)
Flo Rida (Feat. Neil Young): Bling of opression
Flo Rida (Feat. Some talentless woman he wishes to have sex with): Interesting and legit career opportunity
Flo Rida (Feat. Slade): We spellt lyke diz furst
Flo Rida (Feat Jethro Tull): The whimsical jack in the green (And this Bitch I met online)

Play my flute in the air like I just don't care.

An analysis of the UK top 10 chart by somebody who has no relationship with modern music.

At the time of writing this (Saturday 17th March in the Year 2012 of our great overlord Zeus), this is the current UK top 10 singles chart.
I have heard none of these songs, and my interpretations are based entirely on my own well versed musical insights and extreme biased hatred for modern music.

At number 10 we have:
David Guetta-featuring Nicki Minaj: Turn me On

I had never seen or heard Nicki Minaj's music, but I was aware of her name on the twittersphere (Urgh) and the internet. I assumed she was merely a combination of two words people playing Scrabble would claim 'are totally real', but as it turns out, she is what would happen if you made a musical career based entirely on the Myspace profiles of 15 year old Girls.

The most unusual thing about this picture is that I think she has a protractor on her right hand...

I played the 20 second sample found on the BBC page and I'll admit...I was pleasantly surprised. A borderline 80s synth bass heavy backing and a surprisingly melodic vocal line washed over in gratuitous poor autotune.
That said, it's a basic musical ploy. Simple unobtrusive backing + melodic vocal line=catchy song.
It's a tried and tested strategy, and as such it holds as much weight as complimenting a brutal military strategy.

Also the title made me think less of sex, but a black and decker power bench.

Number 9
Marcus Collins: Seven Nation Army

I hate the original version of this song. I absolutely decry it's pandering to the Rolling Stone Magazine collective vibe.
I had never heard of this man, and a quick Wikipedia search informed me he was on the X Factor.
These two factors have resulted in me merely posting this as the most appropriate image I could find for my reaction

Number 8
David Guetta (Feat Sia): Titanium

David Guetta again, turning up in the top 10 twice as if he's our version of...Quincy Jones...or somebody.
I listened to the 20 second clip and discovered Sia (Who I shall pronounce as "SEA...ARGH!") has apparently never learned how to form coherent sentences, as all of her verses are the unintelligible ramblings of a drunkard having a stroke. At one point I thought I heard the phrase 'Coming down with jews who have furby fouls'.

On an unrelated note, Freddie Mercury is still dead...

Number 7
Tinchy Stryder (Feat Pixie Lott): Bright Lights

I quite liked Tinchy Stryder when he was on NeverMind The Buzzcocks, and his name sounds like an adorable Dungeons and Dragons character. (Perhaps a giraffe like creature that would be used as transportation.)
Also Pixie Lott is inoffensively pretty yet bland, so I really don't have anything to say about this.
Consider it musical Quiche.


LET ME SEE THOSE LIGHTERS OUT THERE!!

Number 6
DJ FRESH (Feat Rita Ora): Hot Right Now

It's not the maddeningly generic title that annoyed me, or how Rita Ora sounds like a Flash Gordon inspired Call Girl. But the fact this DJ sees nothing wrong with calling himself DJ FRESH, a title so uninspiring and devoid of any enthusiasm it's one step below 'DJ MUSIC BUTTON GUY'.
It also made me picture a DJ who was a toilet duck....and I promptly laughed. Moving on.
(As expected, the song was shit. So many songs these days tell me to 'put my hands up' it's as if the entirely musical world is run by Cold War Berlin)

Number 5
StooShe (Feat Travie MCcoy): Love Me

As somebody who currently takes gold in the romantic rejection pole vault (Or whatever implies loneliness in this metaphor) I sympathise with the blatant command in the title.
Apart from that I have many problems.
The first is that I misread it as STOOSH, which sounds like an obscure chocolate bar you'd find on holiday. It turns out it's 'Stoo-she', which makes even less sense. Is it a female empowerment thing? Is it a woman called Stu? Is it an affectionate name a Danish monarch had for his daughter? I refuse to research this, I do not want to the magic of it's awfulness to be ruined.
Godawful 'urban laaaanddaaaan' vocal stylings like a cockney acapella and I despise 'Travie' in place of TRAVIS. I knew a boy in sixth form called Doug who demanded people call him 'Dougie' like a delightfully idiotic old man or a retarded dog.

Moving on...

Number 4
Flo Rida (Feat Sia): Wild One.

Really? Another 'featuring' in the top 10? Is this a music chart or a year 11 chemistry assignment...
I remember when featuring (I don't) was reserved for David Bowie, George Michael or...Kiki Dee. Now it's any slapdash auto-tuned crumpet who wants to contribute nothing of merit to society.
Also Flo Rida? THAT IS NOT A NAME. THAT IS A STATE WITH AN UNNECESSARY SPACE. Ala Bama, Stoke OnTrent, Ken ilworth, Wash Ington. Do you not see how ridiculous this is? It is musically and grammatically naive.
Also drunken sailor SEE ARGH is back, but she wasn't in the clip. Instead I had Flo Rida telling me to get down...and..move around and....jiggy...and...some shit of that ilk.

I welcome all the meteors who wish to hit our planet...our time has come.

Number 3

Nicki Minaj: Starships

And it's back, this assortment of colours of narcissistic childlike ridiculousness of a musical act. I don't know if she's a singer or a fucking circus.

The 20 second clip I heard fluctuated between sped up autotune baby vocals, drum and bass barrage, a reworking of 'Twinkle twinkle little star', and finally AS EXPECTED Nicki Minaj telling me to get on the 'flo' (floor). It's as obnoxious as a progressive rock song without any of the musicianship or flamboyantly brilliant talent.

The only thing that could redeem this song is if it were about the band STARSHIP....but it is not.

Number 2

Emeli Sandé: Next to Me

Enjoyable summertime feel, nice relaxing cool as coca cola melody and a pleasant romantic optimism towards somebody she wants from afar.
I enjoy this, I then remember I went to 3 proms by myself and sleep alone thus I promptly dislike it.

Sorry Emeli, it's not you it's me.


AND NUMBER ONE IS.
Gotye: Somebody that I used to know.

What....what is this...what.. A sparse new age Police-esque backing and vocal melody? An enjoyable attempt to at least break the mould. Muted delayed guitars punch the background.
I actually listened to the full version of this.
I really enjoyed it. I was surprised by how I found myself humming the melody and playing it twice.
I'm not surprised this is number one, it's really good. It's such an enjoyable melody that I ju- Oh...wait? What's that wikipedia??

This song also samples traditional folk song "Baa Baa Black Sheep."<sup>[12]

Ahh....I see. It all makes sense.
I'll be over here, playing some Peter Gabriel.</sup>

My friendly conversation with some homophobic misogynistic pro life nutcases.

My friend Tara was involved in an argument over Twitter with some pro-life nutcases. They were the standard misogynist/sexist/homophobic morons who couldn't give any semblance of a decent argument. I decided to fight ridiculous fire with ridiculous fire by just giving inane stupid replies to them. Here are 18 snippets of this 'debate'.
(You might want to scroll all the way down and work your way up, the order is a bit iffy due to the way I uploaded them.)

Leaked Songtitles from Taylor Swift's new album

BOYS ARE THE BEST THING TO EVER EXIST.

Grammy award winner, teen idol, and 'death of female integerity' Taylor Swift is releasing a new album, unfortunately (for her) the entire track-listing has been released online.

1) Romantic fable allegory to pander to insipid adolescents with too much mascara.
2) I wish I was a cheerleader because they get all the boys.
3) I'm in love with a boy who doesn't notice me because I don't talk to him and I don't know what the problem is.
4) Having a boyfriend at 15 determines whether or not you'll become an irredeemable failure in life.
5) I'm ruining relationships for actual young adults by turning them into gaudy saccharine MTV nonsense (Feat. Chris Brown)
6) I'm basically an anorexic Adele.
7) I love how love is lovey love love loved lovey love love lovey love largh
8) Teenage girls need to pander to boys and base themselves entirely on the male sex.
9)Lonely people are just like me (minus the wealth, accolades and superstar status)
10) My date with my 25 cats
11) Politically charged narrative about communism....(Just kidding! It's totally about the prom!)
12)Waiting for phone calls and unicorns and sunsets.
13) I never make the first move because women should never take action
14) (Hidden track) Love and dating and kissing and love love love dating love.




Keep up the good work Taylor.

A poetic analysis of 'Drunk as Fuck' by Ludacris

Today I will be anaylsing perhaps one of the most significant literary pieces that I have encountered in my professional (non professional) career as a ‘blog joke person’ that I just this very moment made up.
This bastion of lyrical prowess is the musical piece ‘Drunk as Fuck’ by Ludacris, seen here with sideburns clearly made out of pen.

That earring cost more than your university tuition.

So with haste, let us analyse the opening stanza of this piece.

Everybody With Me Drunk As Fuck,
Break It Down And Roll It Up.
Everybody With Me Drunk As Fuck,
Break It Down And Roll It Up.

With this Ludacris (Or Luda as his ‘homeboys’ are wont to frequently label him) has immediately given us a situation. He is intoxicated, as are everybody around him. This situation will be ‘broken down’ (not to be confused with the ‘breaking down’ of oils into their more concentrated forms), a self aware device reflecting on the minimalism of this piece and Luda’s preference for more quiet laidback affairs. After ‘breaking’, the situation will then be ‘rolled up’, perhaps meaning ‘wrapped up’, as in that Ludacris has a schedule to keep, and will be ending the party at a responsible and considerate time for all involved.
What is interesting is that there appears to a minimum limit for the amount of drunkness involved. Ludacris is no lax dandy, he is a professional, striving to ensure a rigorous equilbirum is maintained throughout this ordeal.

“Excuse me, how drunk are you?”
“I am shitfaced my good sir.”
“Unfortunately that is not enough, ‘fuck’ is the minimum at this soiree.”

Ok now let’s see the next verse of this epic.

Everybody With Me Drunk As Fuck,
Break It Down And Roll It Up.
Everybody With Me Drunk As Fuck,
Break It Down And Roll It Up.

Well, there’s nothing wrong with repetition, it’s a good way to enforce a point or recurring theme, so good on Luda for employing this device. Anyway, let’s see what we have next.

Everybody With Me Drunk As Fuck,
Break It Down And Roll It Up.
Everybody With Me Drunk As Fuck,
Break It Down And Roll It Up.

Really...? Again? Part of me is wondering what motive is here, intense postmodern self awareness, or just...bloody laziness. Ok, one more chance Luda, let’s see what this is leading up to.

Everybody With Me Drunk As Fuck,
Break It Down And Roll It Up.
Everybody With Me Drunk As Fuck,
Break It Down And Roll It Up.

Oh for fucks sake....
Anyway, with that preamble over, let us begin to discuss the more diverse lyrics of this piece.

Everybody Got Their Quilas With 'em,”

With this, Ludacris is stating that everybody at this party has their own individual ‘quilas’ of ‘tequila’ bottle, as such this is clearly a BYOB event, and everybody has politely obliged to maintain this. Perhaps Ludacris also means ‘quills’, (although in his own African-american vernacular manner of speech) and everybody will proceed to get drunk ‘as fuck’ and write various forms of free verse, a manner routinely employed by T.S Eliot.

Who wants to fucckkkinng fight theeen?! I'll fuccckiinng have anyyy of you!

Eight Figures In The Bank And I Pull Your Rank.

Mr Cris is clearly a fan of rare antique figurines, perhaps of bears or marigolds, and as such he has accumulated 8 so far, storing them in a safe place in order to preserve their well being. A wise move.
He also seems to be indicating that he is in quite a high position in the armed forces, a notable trait considering the time he dedicates to his rap career, clearly multitasking is integral to this man’s livelihood.

Big Body Cadallic, Women In The Back Seat,

Clearly Ludacris is no stranger to social engagement, and as such has the correct automobile for when he is chaufering his numerous companions around. Perhaps as the designated driver. And who said chivalry was dead!

Bitches be tripping when I respect their emotions.

Get Your Cake Up, Get Your Weight Up, Way Up To The Top Till You Can't Go

Cake? Perhaps this is a catered event, whereby the ‘drunk as fuck’ partygoers will be able to dine on the finest pastries and desserts. And apparently in such a large quantity, due to his demand that the ‘weight’ be increased. Or perhaps he is merely stating that the more cake you eat, the fatter you will get, a clever double meaning from this illustrious wordsmith.

These Bitches Is After My Riches And Yes I Smell Blood And Murder.

But hark! Listen! A twist most foul has been bought upon Luda! His female companions are intending to murder this hard working man for his well deserved riches! Or perhaps Ludacris is suffering from PTSD, and cannot remove the stench of battle from his nostrils, this would make sense considering his early revelation of being in the armed forces.
These ‘Bitches’ as he labels them (quite apt considering their motives), are onto Luda, how will he react?! What cunning Machiavellian reaction shall he employ?!

When I Cock Back-
Better Drop That-
Can't Block That-
Lock That-

Clearly Ludacris is at first distracting these women with a cockrel, it’s hearty crowing a loud distraction for his next move. Yes, dropping to the floor, a great way of evading blows and, if Luda has the leg strength, an ample position to defend oneself via the Brazilian style of ‘capoeira’, a martial art that combines dance and music.
He clearly uses this effectively, as his attackers cannot block ‘that’. And all that is left to do is ‘lock’ that. ‘That’ clearly being his attackers, as they are locked behind bars. Hussies incarcerated, where they shall never maliciously assault a well meaning rapper in the armed forces.

And how does Luda celebrate such a well executed escape?

Everybody With Me Drunk As Fuck,
Break It Down And Roll It Up.
Everybody With Me Drunk As Fuck,
Break It Down And Roll It Up.

Ahh, full circle, a clever lyrical device that gives the piece a rounded finality yet an ethereal timeless circle of energy.
Be drunk as fuck good sir....
You have earned it.

Romeo and Juliet re-enacted with food.

I make stuff like this...

Between a Rock and...a social metaphor.

Did you get candy, or are you one of the kids who keeps getting rocks? (Also ghost outfits?...Well done...how original. Charlie Brown you boring fart)

People who know me, or are aware of me, or listen to EVERY SINGLE JOKE I make, may be aware that I'm not the most socially successful human being of my age group. I've got a rejection list longer than a Charles Manson Parole, and I often fluctuate between 'serial killer awkward' and 'other serial killer dead silent'.
Some people get pissed off if I acknowledge it (as in, MY LIFE), but I'm the one who has to make due and do my best to deal with it. Just like plenty of other people of my age group, I'm not asking for sympathy (SAVE IT YOU HACKS), but using this as a set up to a particularly interesting analogy a friend of mine raised on the matter.

Via gratuitous Copypasta, this is pretty much what she said.

"Because you're actually the guy with a backpack of rocks

• you're wearing this backpack of rocks

• and everybody else is running and doing flips and swimming and stuff

• and you're like

• why can't I do that

• but nobody else has the bag of rocks"

Now, like any great writer I am taking a concept that isn't remotely my own, and expanding on it as if I have the right to because I'm all 'Urgh...I should have thought of that.'

I stole all my ideas from homeless people who I murdered in turn.

These rocks can be anything, depression, unemployed, lonely, a virgin, socially rejected, eating issues, religious difficulties, varied political differences. A whole myriad of metaphorical rocks. Some smaller and more easy to deal with, and others incredibly difficult, that actively get worse over time. Some people have a few, and a minority are forced to deal with a lot of the more heavier ones (So whichever rock-ratio governing committee decides that, piss right off)

You might only have one of these things, like a handbag (or a *gratuitous air quotes* 'manbag') with a few pebbles in. In which case, good for you! Have...a reward or something. I don't know, I'm not...Argos.
Unfortunately a few people tend to have an entire rucksack of stones (is that...a sex...pun? I don't know), and I know plenty of people like that, myself included.
But I'm REALLY good at kerplunk, so you know, Swings and Roundabouts.


It's pretty much EXACTLY like this. Just with sticks and marbles.

People with a lot of these *synonyms for rocks* tend to feel frustrated among people of their age group, especially in an enclosed environment like University or an enforced labour camp. You might be uncomfortable with socialising with people or even forming a relationship with somebody who you know is already rid of one of the more notable stones in your bag. You don't like the idea of them having to slow down and take some steps back because you're struggling to keep up. You feel as if it'll piss them off, or that you're not on their 'level'. And hell, some people don't want to deal with people like that, because they're fartnargling arseholes. I've had people find it difficult to have conversations with me or even been uncomfortable around me for various things (I'm naming no names, this isn't a self satisfied Witch Hunt....I'm not 1658, or North Korea).

(I'm also worried this is turning into a saccharine 'motivational' readers digest style YOU CAN DO IT, post. I'd never be that patronising or ignorant of such complicated issues, so to lighten the mood here is a video of Alison Brie from Community.)


Words...cannot...describe. Also Donald Glover, he's pretty nifty.

Are you unfortunate enough to have this bag of rocks? Then let people know, I'm not saying yell it in their noses like a street-based religious Zealot, or use it as a 'get of jail free card' for every single occasion. But if you could calmly let people know (via a Haiku or a forest song accompanied by a carved wooden flute) that you have difficulties and some issues, they'll be a lot more understanding than if you just...expect them to guess.
I know there's been times when I've felt like a 'lesser person' or been actively envious of people who've managed to get rid of certain stones (when this metaphor gets churlish and tedious let me know...) with great ease, whilst I still get an enormous amount of difficulty with certain basics most people were done with years ago. (Every time I see a facebook profile picture with two happy people in I feel like the result of somebody who lost a bet at the face factory)But I realised it doesn't mean you're worth any less, you just got dealt a shitter bag of rocks from whichever fiends are in charge. FIENDS I SAY. *Lightning hits a church roof*

Or maybe you don't have a bag and you're lucky enough to be able to perform a triple pirouette (metaphorically) and you know somebody who constantly carries this metaphorical bag? If you could slow your pace by a couple of steps and, not even helping them out, but merely acknowledging what they've got, then it would benefit everybody involved, and maybe loosen a few stones in that bag. (You'd also not look like a dick, so that's a plus.)



I'm not quite sure what this post was about, but I need to be inspirational and 'not awful' about once a year or I'll turn into a 19th century child slave owner. With fiendish moustache and...trade connections in Russia.

'Mind' the gap...in logic.

I'm doing a survey, an interactive survey if you will.
It comprises of one question, and that is merely this.

Have you ever used the phrase 'I speak my mind' in a way that is not ironic/sarcastic/parodying the very insipid pointless truism of the phrase itself?

If you have, then I want you to lift open your palm as if you're eager to high five an inspirational 80s life coach, raise your hand and then smack yourself in the forehead, the place where 'YOUR MIND' is located. I want you to do this for about 8 minutes, or until you realise this wasn't a survey at all, but a rigorously planned trap to reveal absolute dross human beings.

I loathe this phrase, I want to hurt its arms, I want it to take me out to dinner and then offend it by offering to split the bill, I want to use Medieval thumbscrews on it, I want to beat it with a burlap sack full of snooker balls and rubix cubes, I want to run over it's feet in a Segway and then give it a ride home, making it look a complete arse.

The people who use it? Well, I can't help but immediately feel nothing but cold chilled contempt for them, as if I'm Judge, Jury and socially skeptical executioner.

It's such a trite self-evident phrase that has somehow, under the cover of a darkened night, effortlessly slipped into accepting civilised society from whichever ill-fed, diseased caravan park it resided.
People throw it about as a motivational quality, a positive trait or something that makes them 'unique', and people nod along and murmur agreement as if it's every brilliant feature concisely explained.

IT IS NOT.
IT IS A FUCKING RIDICULOUS PHRASE, AND IF YOU SAY IT I WILL WANT TO HURL DISGUSTED GUTTURAL BELCHES LIKE AN ENRAGED MOTHER APE.

And here's my reason why. Who else's sodding mind would you speak? How are you unique in that you verbally enunciate electronic signals and messages sent via your frontal lobes?
You're not a rare breed or a bastion of social advancement because you can 'speak your mind', it's how the human race has advanced for hundreds of thousands of years (that and doorknobs.)
You speak your mind? Oh wow! I am reeling with shock, because here I was thinking you were speaking somebody else's thoughts, that they were thinking of things which were then relayed towards your mouth via a system of tubes, that you then verbalised on their behalf like a human text to speech program.

You may as well be highlighting your uniqueness in 'converting protein into energy' 'walking with my feet' or 'blinking with my eyes'.

You're not special, you're not unique. Don't substitute a lack of talent or appeal for a basic physiological fact.
All it does is prove what a bland, colourless human being you are, lacking any original or inspiring thought. And with a mind like that, the last thing you'd want to do is bring attention to it.