I'm doing a survey, an interactive survey if you will.
It comprises of one question, and that is merely this.
Have you ever used the phrase 'I speak my mind' in a way that is not ironic/sarcastic/parodying the very insipid pointless truism of the phrase itself?
If you have, then I want you to lift open your palm as if you're eager to high five an inspirational 80s life coach, raise your hand and then smack yourself in the forehead, the place where 'YOUR MIND' is located. I want you to do this for about 8 minutes, or until you realise this wasn't a survey at all, but a rigorously planned trap to reveal absolute dross human beings.
I loathe this phrase, I want to hurt its arms, I want it to take me out to dinner and then offend it by offering to split the bill, I want to use Medieval thumbscrews on it, I want to beat it with a burlap sack full of snooker balls and rubix cubes, I want to run over it's feet in a Segway and then give it a ride home, making it look a complete arse.
The people who use it? Well, I can't help but immediately feel nothing but cold chilled contempt for them, as if I'm Judge, Jury and socially skeptical executioner.
It's such a trite self-evident phrase that has somehow, under the cover of a darkened night, effortlessly slipped into accepting civilised society from whichever ill-fed, diseased caravan park it resided.
People throw it about as a motivational quality, a positive trait or something that makes them 'unique', and people nod along and murmur agreement as if it's every brilliant feature concisely explained.
IT IS NOT.
IT IS A FUCKING RIDICULOUS PHRASE, AND IF YOU SAY IT I WILL WANT TO HURL DISGUSTED GUTTURAL BELCHES LIKE AN ENRAGED MOTHER APE.
And here's my reason why. Who else's sodding mind would you speak? How are you unique in that you verbally enunciate electronic signals and messages sent via your frontal lobes?
You're not a rare breed or a bastion of social advancement because you can 'speak your mind', it's how the human race has advanced for hundreds of thousands of years (that and doorknobs.)
You speak your mind? Oh wow! I am reeling with shock, because here I was thinking you were speaking somebody else's thoughts, that they were thinking of things which were then relayed towards your mouth via a system of tubes, that you then verbalised on their behalf like a human text to speech program.
You may as well be highlighting your uniqueness in 'converting protein into energy' 'walking with my feet' or 'blinking with my eyes'.
You're not special, you're not unique. Don't substitute a lack of talent or appeal for a basic physiological fact.
All it does is prove what a bland, colourless human being you are, lacking any original or inspiring thought. And with a mind like that, the last thing you'd want to do is bring attention to it.