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Saturday, 17 March 2012

An analysis of the UK top 10 chart by somebody who has no relationship with modern music.

At the time of writing this (Saturday 17th March in the Year 2012 of our great overlord Zeus), this is the current UK top 10 singles chart.
I have heard none of these songs, and my interpretations are based entirely on my own well versed musical insights and extreme biased hatred for modern music.

At number 10 we have:
David Guetta-featuring Nicki Minaj: Turn me On

I had never seen or heard Nicki Minaj's music, but I was aware of her name on the twittersphere (Urgh) and the internet. I assumed she was merely a combination of two words people playing Scrabble would claim 'are totally real', but as it turns out, she is what would happen if you made a musical career based entirely on the Myspace profiles of 15 year old Girls.

The most unusual thing about this picture is that I think she has a protractor on her right hand...

I played the 20 second sample found on the BBC page and I'll admit...I was pleasantly surprised. A borderline 80s synth bass heavy backing and a surprisingly melodic vocal line washed over in gratuitous poor autotune.
That said, it's a basic musical ploy. Simple unobtrusive backing + melodic vocal line=catchy song.
It's a tried and tested strategy, and as such it holds as much weight as complimenting a brutal military strategy.

Also the title made me think less of sex, but a black and decker power bench.

Number 9
Marcus Collins: Seven Nation Army

I hate the original version of this song. I absolutely decry it's pandering to the Rolling Stone Magazine collective vibe.
I had never heard of this man, and a quick Wikipedia search informed me he was on the X Factor.
These two factors have resulted in me merely posting this as the most appropriate image I could find for my reaction

Number 8
David Guetta (Feat Sia): Titanium

David Guetta again, turning up in the top 10 twice as if he's our version of...Quincy Jones...or somebody.
I listened to the 20 second clip and discovered Sia (Who I shall pronounce as "SEA...ARGH!") has apparently never learned how to form coherent sentences, as all of her verses are the unintelligible ramblings of a drunkard having a stroke. At one point I thought I heard the phrase 'Coming down with jews who have furby fouls'.

On an unrelated note, Freddie Mercury is still dead...

Number 7
Tinchy Stryder (Feat Pixie Lott): Bright Lights

I quite liked Tinchy Stryder when he was on NeverMind The Buzzcocks, and his name sounds like an adorable Dungeons and Dragons character. (Perhaps a giraffe like creature that would be used as transportation.)
Also Pixie Lott is inoffensively pretty yet bland, so I really don't have anything to say about this.
Consider it musical Quiche.


Number 6
DJ FRESH (Feat Rita Ora): Hot Right Now

It's not the maddeningly generic title that annoyed me, or how Rita Ora sounds like a Flash Gordon inspired Call Girl. But the fact this DJ sees nothing wrong with calling himself DJ FRESH, a title so uninspiring and devoid of any enthusiasm it's one step below 'DJ MUSIC BUTTON GUY'.
It also made me picture a DJ who was a toilet duck....and I promptly laughed. Moving on.
(As expected, the song was shit. So many songs these days tell me to 'put my hands up' it's as if the entirely musical world is run by Cold War Berlin)

Number 5
StooShe (Feat Travie MCcoy): Love Me

As somebody who currently takes gold in the romantic rejection pole vault (Or whatever implies loneliness in this metaphor) I sympathise with the blatant command in the title.
Apart from that I have many problems.
The first is that I misread it as STOOSH, which sounds like an obscure chocolate bar you'd find on holiday. It turns out it's 'Stoo-she', which makes even less sense. Is it a female empowerment thing? Is it a woman called Stu? Is it an affectionate name a Danish monarch had for his daughter? I refuse to research this, I do not want to the magic of it's awfulness to be ruined.
Godawful 'urban laaaanddaaaan' vocal stylings like a cockney acapella and I despise 'Travie' in place of TRAVIS. I knew a boy in sixth form called Doug who demanded people call him 'Dougie' like a delightfully idiotic old man or a retarded dog.

Moving on...

Number 4
Flo Rida (Feat Sia): Wild One.

Really? Another 'featuring' in the top 10? Is this a music chart or a year 11 chemistry assignment...
I remember when featuring (I don't) was reserved for David Bowie, George Michael or...Kiki Dee. Now it's any slapdash auto-tuned crumpet who wants to contribute nothing of merit to society.
Also Flo Rida? THAT IS NOT A NAME. THAT IS A STATE WITH AN UNNECESSARY SPACE. Ala Bama, Stoke OnTrent, Ken ilworth, Wash Ington. Do you not see how ridiculous this is? It is musically and grammatically naive.
Also drunken sailor SEE ARGH is back, but she wasn't in the clip. Instead I had Flo Rida telling me to get down...and..move around and....jiggy...and...some shit of that ilk.

I welcome all the meteors who wish to hit our planet...our time has come.

Number 3
Nicki Minaj: Starships

And it's back, this assortment of colours of narcissistic childlike ridiculousness of a musical act. I don't know if she's a singer or a fucking circus.

The 20 second clip I heard fluctuated between sped up autotune baby vocals, drum and bass barrage, a reworking of 'Twinkle twinkle little star', and finally AS EXPECTED Nicki Minaj telling me to get on the 'flo' (floor). It's as obnoxious as a progressive rock song without any of the musicianship or flamboyantly brilliant talent.

The only thing that could redeem this song is if it were about the band STARSHIP....but it is not.

Number 2
Emeli Sandé: Next to Me

Enjoyable summertime feel, nice relaxing cool as coca cola melody and a pleasant romantic optimism towards somebody she wants from afar.
I enjoy this, I then remember I went to 3 proms by myself and sleep alone thus I promptly dislike it.

Sorry Emeli, it's not you it's me.

Gotye: Somebody that I used to know.

What....what is this...what.. A sparse new age Police-esque backing and vocal melody? An enjoyable attempt to at least break the mould. Muted delayed guitars punch the background.
I actually listened to the full version of this.
I really enjoyed it. I was surprised by how I found myself humming the melody and playing it twice.
I'm not surprised this is number one, it's really good. It's such an enjoyable melody that I ju- Oh...wait? What's that wikipedia??

This song also samples traditional folk song "Baa Baa Black Sheep."[12]

Ahh....I see. It all makes sense.
I'll be over here, playing some Peter Gabriel.

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