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Thursday, 21 January 2010

Chocolate rain on your parade

PANIC! RUN FOR YOUR VERY LIVES! ROLL OUT THE CAPRET FOR THE FOUR HORSEMEN! It’s the pinnacle of existence and the world is teetering forward into the pitch black abyss of nigh annihilation and tortured despair! Whatever shall we- Wait? What? That’s it? That’s all that has happened? All this bother and fuss is over.....Cadbury being bought over? That’s it? A chocolate company has been bought by the second largest candy, food, and beverage Company in the world? Surely that’s...well good isn’t it? But no, for some reason patriotism has suddenly emerged in anybody who’s ever had a curly Wurly as if it were embodied by Richard the bloody Lion-heart.
I honestly don’t get what all this outrage is about, nobody is losing their job (Else Cadbury wouldn’t have accepted the offer you blithering idiots) and the food isn’t being removed, you’re still going to be able to gorge yourself and take away your lifespan with Dairy Milks and Bournevilles, you don’t buy one of the most successful companies in a country and discontinue everything that made it what it is, it’s pretty much the opposite of business management, along with exploding shoes and a sequel to ‘White Chicks’. If people would all take their head out of the collective arse and look at this for a second, they might see the shiny bewildering possibilities as a result of this. One being more food available, and as humans we should flock to this idea like delighted and whimsical folks. You know every time you go to America and come back, lecturing us with ‘how varied and amazing and cool and super mega awesome’ the food is, describing it like treasures beyond our primitive hut-dwelling, porridge eating society, almost as if you’ve discovered fire, if fire lowered your lifespan dramatically....even though it technically can...but that’s beyond the point. Kraft are going to use Cadbury as an outlet for their products that sell so highly throughout the rest of the world, I’m looking forward to seeing what new foodstuffs I can negligently stock up in case of a nuclear outbreak, forgoing spam and corned beef for whatever piques my pithy interest.
You know Oreos? Those biscuits that everybody faffs about with instead of simply eating (IT’S A BISCUIT NOT A DAMN RUBIX CUBE), guess who owns them?
Yes, it’s the harbingers of doom and despair, Kraft, what’s that? You enjoy Oreos and are ignorantly aware of the irony of you rallying against a company who bought you them?
I suspected as much, as I’m a poor man’s Poirot.

(This is not a bloody Puzzle Piece)

What seems to be possibly the main gripe here is that ‘CADBURYS IS BRITISH AND THEY IS TAKING US OVER!!’ which whilst being stupid is also stupid....not to mention stupid.
Nobody seems to give a toss when football teams such as Arsenal and Leeds are populated predominantly by players who aren’t even English, let alone able to speak the language properly or have a name I can pronounce. Nor do people care about driving Hyundais instead of Jaguars, Jeeps instead of land rovers or American Bikes instead of bloody penny farthings, whilst our culture is dominated by American TV, stars, news, and music. Christ, the Black eyed peas are on par to have had more number ones than Queen or The Rolling stones, well respected and renowned British musicians, where was all this fucking British Pride when these tedious talentless fartbags were invading the British shores?
Then there’s the Facebook group, the small rabble of resistance fighters against the totalitarian crushing regime of the Kraft Empire, like a culinary bloody Star Wars. As if Facebook has done anything for the world but make sex offenders do less exercise, there’s this blathering ‘OH BUT WE GOT WISPA BAAAACK!! WISPA!! WISPAAAA YARGH!!’.
Yes that may be true, but bear in mind this was an individual chocolate bar not a £11.5 billion economic takeover, they’re not going to care for this Facebook group as they clearly would have heard the remarks made when they ANNOUNCED they were going to try and buy Cadbury, these groups are just trying to close the barn door after horse has already bolted, changed his identity and murdered the farmer.
Pithy arguments and ironic logic isn’t going to stop this, and this isn’t some major catastrophe that it’s being painted out to be, this will IN NO WAY negatively affect your life in any way possible, unless you get off on saying ‘Cadbury’, in which case you can do that on your own...weirdo.
I’m usually a cynical person I know, but I honestly see no harm in this whatsoever, in fact it has more opportunities for new food and products being available, which in today’s society you assume would be a good thing. I have no problem saying ‘KRAFT’ and it’s not as if they’re going to change the names of food to over the top Americanised monikers, a dairy milk won’t become a ‘AWESOME BAR’, a boost a ‘EXPLOSION WE SAVE YOUR ASS IN WORLD WAR TWO SNACK’ nor will a curly wurly become a ‘FUCKING MORON IN OFFICE FOR 8 YEARS’. It’s not as if we always say ‘Cadbury’ before the word anyway, they’re well enough established to lose any gimmicks.
Hell, I’m sure life would be 6% more interesting if people asked for an ‘Explosion bar’ anyway.

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