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Sunday, 28 February 2010

Nania part 1

A story based on a crude lulz idea of replacing NARNIA with NANIA, as in OLD PEOPLE. LOLOLROFLROFLLLLL.......enjoy.

Rain battered the windows as the few small candles punched through the inky black of the living room. A lone figure sat on a sofa, his face illuminated by the light of his laptop screen as he looked around the room and rolled his eyes.
“Sodding power cuts” Eric sighed whilst rolling his eyes
Thumping, banging, the footsteps of an excited child running downstairs to open presents on Christmas morning, but slightly more ominous, as if instead of being greeted by presents the child was instead greeted by a corpse...or Courtney love. The door was kicked open and a slightly twitchy individual leaped in and began waving his arms.
“AHH!” Eric gasped...but not like he was majorly shocked, kind of like he was...slightly bemused and taken back. Yeah, that.
“Shawn, what is it?”
“There’s no time to explain! You need-“ Shawn cut himself off and raised an eyebrow, pointing to the sight before him.
“What are you doing Eric?”
“I was about to watch Dawn of the Dead on my laptop...whilst eating a tuna sandwich”
Shawn shook his head and began counting on his hand.
“Ok firstly, Dawn of the dead is a 2 hour movie, that sandwhich won’t last the entire movie. Secondly you are 22 years old on and sat by yourself on a Saturday night. Thirdly, You simply need to come with me upstairs”
Eric rolled his eyes and sighed, this was the second time in a minute, this was not a good sign.
“Ok,’re an idiot. Secondly, it’s Saturday and you’re running about like a...Crystal Meth Chimp! And thirdly, and I stress this, WHY?”
“I don’t have the adjectives nor mind altering drugs to explain but it’s to do with the new wardrobe!”
“Oh dear god stay away from it! You destroyed the last one!”
“No I didn’t” Shawn was taken aback, and seemed shocked.
“You did! You put fireworks in it and blew it up!” Eric spat out
“ I didn’t”
“You did!” Eric rose and began stabbing his finger with each other word “You bought some fireworks. You put them the in the wardrobe for ‘storing’. And then it conveniently was set aflame two hours later!”
“Woah hooo there, easy. You asked me if I was going to blow it up and I said ‘no, no I am not’. Ok there’s my proof”
Eric had now moved on to waving his hands about, he was serious folks. SERIOUS, like those capital letters I just typed.
“You said that and then winked at me! And the next day you improvised a song all about blowing up wardrobes whilst eating breakfast!”
Shawn shrugged and put his hand on Eric’s shoulder.
“That’s all in the past, I got a new one anyway from that sinister market by IKEA. Just come upstairs ok, I need to show you this”
Eric sighed and rubbed his eyes.

They began to walk upstairs to the room in which the wardrobe was kept, the room had other things in, but they’re not important enough to be described at all.
“Why didn’t you just go to IKEA?” Eric enquired
Shawn gave a passive shrug
“I don’t like the Swedes”.
They pushed the door open and Eric forced a candle in, illuminating the grand behemoth of a wardrobe that had taken residence at the back of the room. Crescents, twirls and all manner of shapes were carved into the front and the ornate gold handles were brighter than the fire which revealed them. Shawn stood in front of it and pulled it open, he turned back to Eric.
“Ok right, I was inside here like 5 minutes ago-“
Eric raised his eyebrows.
“Wait wait you assumed that the best time to venture into a wardrobe was during a power cut?”
Shawn’s eyes widened and he nodded his head sincerely.
“Yeah” he said with no sense of irony. “Anyway, I went in and it never ended, and I thought maybe that was the original design plan, but then I emerged in a snowy forest! I came back to tell you and also update my facebook status about it!
Third time’s a charm, Eric sighed and rolled his eyes.
“I don’t believe you. I honestly don’t at all. I mean seriously. Probably because you’ve used the word ‘emerged’, a word far removed from your usual lexis. Also because that is exactly the plot of The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe”
Shawn got a bit irked.
“Eric, listen to me. This isn’t some stupid prank, I’m deadly serious, now get in here or I will punch you in the face; and then another time.”
HOME RUN! Eric sighed and BLA BLA BLA BLA, we get it, character traits and all that. He honestly couldn’t be bothered arguing so he figured he may as well go along with it, plus if he didn’t it’d be a pretty bland story wouldn’t it readers? Ooh I just addressed you all as ‘readers’, I feel just like The Beano.
They stepped into the wardrobe and took a step forward, nothing stopped them so they took some more into the black, like a subway tunnel. After a few seconds a light was almost visible, before suddenly widening as they walked some more. A chill suddenly pricked Eric’s arm and he felt snow crunch beneath him, they were in a forest, a snowy forest, the kind of forest you’d see in a 80s U2 video. Seriously, go YouTube ‘new year’s day’ to see for yourself, it will do far more than my pithy assortment of metaphors can.
“Well” Eric Began “I’m fucking shocked”
That was all that needed to be said. Shawn grinned and walked forward.
“Told you, come on let’s see what’s up ahead”
They sped forward through the snow, the trees shadowing them from the bright white sky, Eric stopped, there was a wooden sign in front of them, with letters in an old sophisticated font.
“What does it say?” asked Shawn
Eric peered at the sign, the font was almost unintelligible, as if written by a drunkard or Abu Hamza.
“It says ‘welcome to NANIA”
“Nania? Don’t you mean Narnia?”
“No...It says Nania; they probably changed it for copyright reasons. Also there’s writing underneath, it says ‘no cyclicists allowed’.
Sounds, voices even, in the distance. They became louder and louder, until a few figures suddenly emerged from the woods. Eric turned to Shawn
“Oh wow...they’re all-“
“Old people. OH!! I guess that explains NANIA, haha, that’s kind of clever if you think about it”
They were in fact all old people yes, wearing as many layers as possible, and being friendly yet highly suspicious of everybody. One of them walked forward, a small old lady, she spoke.
“Hello there you two, welcome to Nania”

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