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Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Underwhelming Movie death.

This might be a regular feature, I don't know.
I watch a lot of films and I'm easily enraged in a pedantic lonely manner so I guess this could work.

ANYWAY, I was watching Mission Impossible 3 a while back and one of the characters died such an UNDERWHELMING DEATH (*Sitcom audience cheer*) That I felt compelled to complain in a blog to about 4 people, I'll explain why, also there's spoilers know...either watch the film or wikipedia it if you don't want to be a pithy whine.

Anyhoo, the character in question is the main antagonist is Owen Davian played by award-vacuum walrus in a sock looking Philip Seymour Hoffman.

"AROOOOOOO..I'd like to thank the Academy"

Now Owen Davian, apart from having a name like the..'questionable' member of a boyband, is an effective, well played character and in all accounts an unquestionable dick. He kills Ethan Hunt's protege, kidnaps his fiancee and threatens to kill her, and at some point probably finds the time to illegally download episodes of 'Shot of Love with Tila Tequila'

ANYWAY, the death itself. Right, so we've had 2 hours of Davian being a collosal arsehole and he finds himself in a fist fight with Hunt. Also worth a mention is that Hunt has had a bomb detonate in his brain that means he is writhing with agony at a blinding noise of intangible pain.

Kind of like listening to Poison...

Anyway, Davian and Hunt find themselves scrambling awkwardly throughout a Chinese street, with Hunt managing to hold his own and still kick ass, but it looks like Davian has the upper hand and Hunt needs to come up with something, anything to make it out alive, so what does he do?!

.....Bugger all. Absolutely nothing, because Davian gets hit by a car whilst Hunt rolls out the way.
A car.
He gets hit by a car.
No luck or skill or Action hero-esque smarts involved, just shit perception to acknowledge incoming traffic.
Needless to say, WHAT THE HELL. I just spent 2 hours seeing this guy carving his own tombstone for one hell of a brutal and well deserved send off, and what do I get? A bloody PSA, a sodding short minute film they show in assemblies so kids look both ways before skipping into traffic.
I demanded more, I needed some sort of send off that Davian deserved, a gunshot and a witty quip, an ironic death, or maybe even Hunt nailing Davian to a chair and making him watch 'Cocktail' till his blood ejected itself through every available orifice like a punctured sewer pipe.

"Where's the plot?! OH GOD WHERE'S THE PLOT?!

So, to alleviate some amount of lonely, LONELY rage I have, I have written an alternate and probably far more awesome send off.

We see Hunt and Davian in an abandoned factory, Davian has Hunt at gunpoint and is edging towards him.

Davian: It's over Hunt, looks like you won't be killing anybody today...except those henchmen of mine, and your friend who was a mole in the government...ok, as from this moment onwards, you won't be killing anybody today..because you'll be dead. By me. They should never send a boy to do a man's mission....IMPOSSIBLE THREE!.

All hope appears lost, but Hunt spies something in the corner of his eye and begins to laugh.
Davian: What's so funny Hunt?
Hunt: You don't know?
Davian: Know what..?
Hunt: Oh, I thought that you XEE-KNEW!

Hunt pulls out a copy of Dianetics from under his shirt and tosses it at a metal container above Davian, releasing the angry thetans from millions of years prior who ensnare Davian and drag him upwards towards a celestial ship that has appeared as he screams in fury, yet his logic and scientific reasoning do nothing as he is pulled inwards and all is quiet.

Hunt: Looks like that wasn't Impossible....MISSION IMPOSSIBLE......THREE!

*80s freeze frame as the credits roll over 'Pour some Sugar on me'*

So...far superior right? I eagerly await Hollywood's embrace.
Also generic Scientology jokes never get old.

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