Another one right?
I apologise...profusely. But I've had a fortnight that can only be described, as Thomas Jefferson would put it, as 'BLARGHHHH'., so I figure writing it down might help.
Good news and bad news then, let's start with the bad news. Because I am a Michael Haneke movie. If you get that joke then you're probably from my sixth form film studies group. (Nepotism innit)
The bad news is I'm having a lot of difficulty finding a counselor or a therapist to continue my CBT and therapy with. (Yaaaaaay.)
The NHS system near me is a bit naff and it's not as 'readily available' as University was (That said it still took me a year and a half to actually see somebody... although that's probably because A lotta folk be crazy yall')
I decided to do some self CBT at home, just to work out some stuff, although it's not as effective unless you have somebody to talk it out with, and point you in the right direction or give you feedback.
Anyhoo, I wrote down a list of my pros and cons. Now, this wasn't just base assumed stuff, it's all based on evidence and association and past experiences and whatnot.
I had 3 pros and around 16 cons....that was nice.
The cons ranged from "I'm not as good a musician or writer as I'd like to be", to my personal favourite "I'm not somebody who anyone would want to be involved with or close to" (Yaaaaaaay)
I figure if I'm saying all this to a stranger in a chair (Clipboard may or may not be involved), I shouldn't really have a problem telling people who know me right? (Some of you MAY have clipboards)
I had these for pros...
()I can make people laugh with stupid jokes.
()I know a lot about the movie 'Aliens'
()I can grow sideburns...
Potential employers love this stuff.
Because it's based on association, CBT kind of works both ways.
For example, I can put
I can make people laugh and feel good; People have told me this, I've gotten this reaction.
But then, by extension I can follow it up with.
If I can make people laugh and feel good, then why have I been rejected a lot...yadda yadda yadda.
It's not 'feeling sorry for myself, whinge-a-thon' nonsense, it's a proper thing. Google it. Go now. Google it.
But yeah, it sort of works like that, although a lot less crudely than I've made it appear.
So it's a bit of a double edged sword, and I just need to find somebody professional who deals with nutty nutbars like myself to help me out more efficiently, as I've got a lot of stuff that's punching my brain like an angry Gypsy (Traveller).
Christ, this sounds like an X factor audition doesn't it? Sorry if I'm layering it on a bit thick, I'm not trying to be some Lifetime movie about abortion, or one of those books called 'Daddy No!!'. I'd feel odd if I sugar coated stuff or lied, cause lying is for wieners. And I am most certainly not aiming to be a wiener.
I'm fine writing this, I'm just worried that for people reading it'll be like Sophie's Choice or one of those really depressing channel 4 dramas. I'd hope it's not all misery and despair, I don't intend it to be.
After doing this I promptly read comics for 2 hours and listened to the Electric Light Orchestra....just thought that was a necessary add on.
I've also lost a really good friend in the past few months, which is kind of lame.I did really some stupid things, felt genuinely terrible and guilty, tried to apologise and explain what depression's like for me, but instead they've cut all forms of contact with me and it's genuinely not improving my outlook on myself. The problem is, they genuinely think I'm some crazy pyscho Patrick Bateman mental case....which I'm not...at all. I'm not somebody to worry about. I'm not an 80s slasher movie villain, although if I was I would definitely have my 'holiday' as 'Teacher Education Days', and I'd wear a mask that was a replica of a blackboard. And I'd kill people with Chalk and Rulers and Protractors and....Microsoft Excel...related....explosions.
The logistics aren't important. I'm not a crazy mental case, I'm just somebody whose had some problems coping with this at times, especially before the ole prozac and counselling.
So, yeah unless a third party says 'You know...Pete isn't Captain Crazy of the USS mental case' then I'll have to sort of, cope with it ending on a really crappy note. I mean, I'd like to think I'm not somebody you'd need to worry about or be cautious of right?
Sorry that sounds really quite the unsubtle 'nudge nudge wink wink', and I know some of you will know what and who I'm talking about, but I'm really just writing this down to vent and get it out there. I'm not trying to weasel or any other verb, just using this blog as a sounding board. (Text wise...although I do yell and whistle at the screen as I write this. OR DO I?! No. No I do not.)
The only similarity we have is our affinity for Huey Lewis and The News.
I kind of feel like writing all this down might be putting people off, as if it sounds like some highschooler going 'Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, think I'll go and eat some muuuuuuud!!!!'
It'll be lonely this Christmas due to.... cannibalism.
If Mr Metaphor leaves his house every day and is at some point attacked by Ninjas, then after a month of this he's going to think 'You know what...I don't want to leave my house, because I'll get a ninja star in the gullet'. And sure, everybody else gets a ninja star in the thigh every so often, but for Mr Metaphor it's happened constantly, without a break in the routine, or nunchuck-to-the-face free day.
So yeah, if I complain or act 'pessimistic' about something, it's not just me being a dick, it's because I've got plenty of ninja stars embedded in my stupid face.
Sure they'll be one or two days without ninja stars, but there's the other 28 of the month that dominate the ratio. Christ I sound like a patronizing fart don't I? I think I'm owed this, as somebody said I should just do like that song and 'Get knocked down, but get up again, nothing's gonna keep me down'.
Somebody said I should cure my depression with ChumbaWumba lyrics....
There was no irony involved.
Some of it is just, doing stuff to get my self esteem back, Rocky 3 style. Things like job interviews or even a job, dates (Although you'd be better off eating dinner opposite a crude straw model with a face painted on, that yelled a pop culture reference every 10 minutes.), new hobbies, learning to drive. Stuff like that...All that jazz.
I'm also trying to find some open mic nights near me to do some stand up, but I'm not getting a lot of good hits or info, which is a bugger.
I get really uncomfortable and depressed when I'm around people talking about relationships or sex or basic social norms. Not in a desperate, crude 'American Pie' I WANT A RELAYSHUNSHIP WAAAA style nonsense. God no, I'm not a 16 year old Girl.
But it just reminds me I'm not a nice hip normal person, I'm somebody who can't even get anybody to want to go to the cinema with him on a date. (Feel free to call me lame and point and mope)
That's like a Sarlaac pit of crap.
And I feel bad, having to mope around people who are just talking about expected social norms.
Again, the problem with writing stuff like this, is that it comes across as a mopey 16 year old writing a diary entry before putting on a Slipknot T shirt and updating a livejournal with how they'd kill themselves.
I kind of hope folks can see it's...not that.
Here is the original VHS of 'Aliens'...just to lighten the mood.
I'm not just pulling this crap out of nowhere, or thinking it apropos of nothing. If I was then I'd say that I can fight a bear with brass knuckles, or that I'm Batman. I've got plenty of evidence and past experiences that, to me, reinforce all this. I'm not all that great or interesting. I'm funny but apart from that I'm just sort of....there. And even being funny isn't enough I've noticed. I am the other guy from Wham in life, I am Joe Pasquale's voice, I am not all that interesting or decent. I'm not somebody people miss or think about unless I'm in the room with them. I'm like a human Quiche....
And that's depression for you, it's a lot more than some 'Linkin Park' 16 year old diary entry nonsense. It really does suck. I used to have a hard time understanding what it entails, and even now I have moments where I think that maybe it's just me, that I'm some 'Y The Last Man' isolated vigilante
In retrospect I think university was about 75% crap.
Sorry that this post was a bit more bleak and down then usual, I genuinely am trying to not be a captain mopey of the Goodship mope on the seven seas of MNEERRRGHHH.
Stay tuned for more posts about music videos and pop culture hilarity.
Here's the good news.
I just had some fig rolls, and they were really nice.
Food of the Olympians...