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Sunday, 27 May 2012

My hilarious depression fueled sequel/prequel/remake

Well that last post ended rather optimistically...

So, I'm not going to ramble on or beat around any metaphorical (or even tangible) bushes, I'd like to say things have improved and been 80s movie montage fantastic since my last post, but that's not the case.

So, I've been diagnosed as being severely depressed.
'Severely'...think about that for a second. I know I certainly have. I am 21 years old, and I am severely depressed. I am not a Ugandan child soldier or a Siberian child in a Gulag, I'm a stupid faced 21 year old straight white male...and I am severely depressed.
Not the adjective I wanted to be in front of that, I would have preferred:
  • Not at all!
  • The complete opposite of
  • Occasionally
  • Sitcom Hilariously
  • Eighties
Basically just the same, but with hair like this. Yes, even this would have been preferable.

So...I'm on prozac. That's gotten mixed reactions off people, from the spectrum ranging from 'Oh my god, your life is going to spiral out of control and you'll die' to 'That's really good, they're the only thing that stop my friend jumping out of windows'. But if these 20mg little capsules can make me hate myself a little less, than I'm all for them. I definitely prefer them to 'good natured' proverbs and comments such as 'You're only young!' 'Things happen for a reason!'. (Of course things happen for a reason, they're called causes and actions you fucking belittling cads.)
Depression can't be solved by greetings card bullshit, If you ever consider saying anything along those lines to me, then please don't. If anything they just make me feel crappier. Cheers ears. I genuinely appreciate the concern or sentiment, but anybody with depression will tell you, unless you've had it yourself or know somebody who has, you have no idea what it's like.
I used to be some naive feeb who thought it was just feeling sad all the time, and I'm surprised how woefully miscalculated and incorrect I was with this assumption.
It's not that at all, you could be close to somebody for a year and have no idea what they're actually like if they're not getting treatment or help. A loss of control or rational response and action is a huge concern, now nothing major like violence or...driving a rented car into the side of a gas station, but I've certainly done things the past few months that have been ridiculous, excessive and worrying. They seemed perfectly valid and fine at the time and it's only in retrospect that I realise I wasn't fully in control and I'm hit by a plethora of guilt and constant need to make things right with people who think I'm 'bag of snakes' mental or some coco pops coocoo talking heads psycho killer (quest ca ce?).
I'm not...just for the record.
I'm not a mentalist...just a heads up.
But yeah, the guilt...that's a lot. It's like a combination of catholic, Nazi and member of Blazing Squad guilt...

There's a difference between being 'depressing' and being depressed. I don't walk around with it advertised like a sandwich board of contempt and misery, I'm not like it at the bank, when I'm shopping, if I ask somebody out, if I'm in a seminar. That said, I was out with my friend the other day and she noticed that when I was talking to a cashier at the bank I completely 180d and became 'all awkward and jittery and whatnot'.
Wikipedia it...I dunno.

Choose any positive adjective such as 'attractive', 'important', 'interesting', 'reliable' and put an UN in front of it and that's basically my entire view of myself. *Cue the Linkin Park*
I'm not attractive or interesting. I'm certainly not somebody anybody would want to be close with. I'm as romantic and sexually attractive as a grave full of children, and I'm as appealing as that previous simile. I'm certainly not somebody you'd want to date or give a second chance to, and I imagine I have a shelf life of about a month. I'd like to say this is just me being 'depressing', but I've been rejected/stood up/turned down to the point it genuinely gave me DEPRESSION and meant I need therapy to hate myself less, so apologies if I self deprecate every once in a while... I am 21 years old, I've been rejected so much it made me depressed. I am so far beyond the social curve for my age, and incapable of basic social norms that I loathe being in public or around other people talking about this sort of thing. Ain't that a peach. If I'm going to be depressed I'd like to have something a lot less socially pathetic, like alcoholism or an abusive upbringing...
This isn't like a name or shame, or a 'look at me...I am so sad' whinge-a-thon, just you know, elaborating on why I may say or not say or do certain things. I'm not desperate or needy or some shallow cocky cock, I'm just somebody who isn't really worth a lot apparently. I understand this may seem like some adolescent complaining, but if it happens constantly without any sort of break or change of plan, it adds up...and it really doesn't go away if you've got no positive experiences to at least have a break from it, instead it's just a constant pinball machine of having people cancel dates in a text message, or close friends stop acknowledging you exist for no valid reason. WHINGE WHINGE WHINGE....
All in all, I pretty much feel like I'm not really a good person nor anything decent.Although I am depressed, so this of course is extremely heavy bias.
But hey...I'm funny. So swings and roundabouts... :|

I've had a few people say 'each knock down or rejection or failure is a gift, because you know what to do next time'.
Not at all.
Not in the slightest.
Not in any realm I'm aware of.
It's not a Mario level, where each time you die you at least know when to jump next time, or when bullet bill is going to appear, there isn't some sort of 'strategy' that you learn as you go about it.

Mario is me, the turtle represents social interaction with the person at the checkout. It is NOT like this.
(The Goomba is just a goomba.)

I go to bed by myself and miserable, and wake up the same way. Most days I just want to do nothing but stay in bed playing bejeweled and eating cans of tuna, and even that isn't all that great.
Sometimes I just want to sit down and listen to Alison by Elvis Costello fourteen 14 times in a row.
Sometimes I'll put the Xbox on and turn it off 14 minutes later because I've had such a rapid mood change I've lost all interest.

So yeah, I'm severely depressed and on prozac (which should hopefully mean I can be more like myself). Ain't that great. I'm not quite sure what this blog was optimistic fight back via crude pop culture and profanity? *Shrugs* I hope if anything it can clear things up with people or answer some 'plot holes' about my crazy ways, not for my benefit, but you know, I don't want people tiptoeing around me or acting like I'm some inferior crazy sociopath dweeb.
I'm starting to regret ending my last entry on this in such an inspiring and optimistic way. But hey, that's what remakes are for.

I'm sure this has some...greater purpose in the world...right?

Further reading, highly recommended.


  1. If Im patronising, I apologise, and I don't intend to even try and understand how it feels, but while you're feeling down about yourself, remember that a lot of people like you, like being around you, and think you're a really funny, decent, nice guy. That's not even a message of support, it's just cold objective fact.

  2. I love the blogs man, i think you are really brave writing it all down and i haven't laughed so much in ages (at your jokes not at you of course)