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Sunday, 23 September 2012

Things Mitt Romney can do that aren't as bad as his slandering of half the country

So, I'm not American, but I'm aware of their culture. They have TV shows and Baseball and Werewolves in London.
They also have Presidents, presumably because they needed something to put on their money. The current president is Barrack Obama, and I think he's an exploding nebula of brilliance.
Running against him is Republican Mitt Romney, a cross between a Mormon Action Man and a Just for Men spokesman who'd go to the park even if he didn't have any kids.

Obama brings two flavours of Pringles because he doesn't know which one you prefer.
Obama understands some people don't like hugs, and is totally cool with it if you refuse.
Obama lets you play with the 1st controller when you visit his house.
Obama doesn't pressure you to return that DVD box set you borrowed because he understands it's a lot of episodes to take in and people have other things going on in their life regardless of quality television.
Obama is a goats cheese Pizza.

Mitt Romney offers you a lift and asks for petrol money, even if you live the same way.
Mitt Romney asks questions like 'DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?!/DID YOU SEE THAT?' during a movie.
Mitt Romney is a screwdriver in America's kneecaps.
Mitt Romney is a faulty smoke alarm going off while you're having a poo.
Mitt Romney dances in his seat at a cinema whenever a familiar song plays in a movie.
Mitt Romney is a hollowed out scum-puppet full of outdated prejudices, elitist sensibilities and the smile of an alcoholic Geography Teacher burning a cardboard box full of Mr Men books whilst spitting in a jar labelled 'Essence'.

It's a schoolyard fight between that guy who lends his Gameboy to poorer kids and somebody who punches the girls he likes while calling them fat.
Seriously, Obama is beyond cool.

I know pictures of a President playing with Lego or a toy Lightsaber aren't the best at highlighting his policies, but this isn't that sort of blog. Go Google it or read a paper. I'm here for drole stupidity and so forth.

A private recording was recently made available to the media wherein Mitt Romney complained that 47% of the country expect the government to provide food stamps, social security cheques, healthcare, housing etc. You know, those things that Government's are kind of...there for.
It's verbatim to a skeleton complaining that people expect it to stop them from sliding about the floor in a grotesque pile of pink.
Funny Metaphorical Image=Hilarity

Romney has obviously stepped over the line of 'fucking up', to a point where his standing with half the country is on par with a septic intestine leaking onto your dinner, so here's a list of awful things he can do now he's pretty much KIA.

  • Admit to being a fan of the movie The Hottie and The Nottie.
  • Punch a child whilst dressed as Ryu from Street Fighter.
  • Call The diary of Anne Frank 'A load of poorly written emo shit'
  • Refer to 9/11 as 'A mass recycling of bricks'
  • Streak at a school sports day draped in an Aryan Flag.
  • Announce his hatred of The Dark Knight trilogy.
  • State that he judges people based on movie preference.
  • Give food to the homeless only on the basis that they lick his shoes clean.
  • Deny the Holocaust.
  • Then announce he does believe in the Holocaust and 'has never laughed so hard'.
  • Prefer Duplo to Lego
  • Say he does things 'Ironically'.
  • Build a jet in the shape of a leper's penis.
  • Extract his bile and put it in select packets of skittles.
  • Send Farmville requests.
  • Hit on that person you like, even though you like totally told him you like them and he was all 'yeah cool, no problem'.
  • Say "I know you don't like this sort of music, but listen to this song", while you're in a car with him.
  • Text people with 'Call me'.
  • Drive an RV into a scarecrow made of charity money and human excrement.
  • Punch a child while dressed as Chun Li from Street Fighter.
  • Admit he fake tans, and people who don't are 'pale skinned fuckberrys'
  • Announce his run for Presidency in 2016.

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