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Sunday, 14 April 2013

Asbestos: It's going to kill you. Part 1

Hey, I’m academy award nominee and MTV movie award winner Tom Cruise and today I'm going to talk about something that kills over five million Americans and up to fifteen Canadians a year, in my occasional fever dreams.
It's not Nuclear War or some sort of airborne STD (Watch out for Oxygenital warts), but a dolorous, degenerate fiend, that may cause the Earth to turn into a ,definitely not round, dystopian hell.
I'm talking about Asbestos.
And how it's going to kill you. (Probably)

To clarify, here's some pictures from the damage caused by Asbestos throughout history.

Shocking isn't it? To explain some more, here's a very good friend of mine and official 'science person' for the 2009 Thailand Technology/Irrigation Expo, Professor Steven Bookface.

Hello, I'm professor Steven Bookface.

Asbestos comes from many different places; the most common source is from the Japanese creature known as Mothra. When Mothra flaps his wings, it releases a deadly neurotoxin into the atmosphere.

When this chemical is released into the air it travels upwards into the atmosphere, latching onto clouds, before coming down in rain and gravitating towards the nearest attic or High school roof.

Of course, between 1958-1973 there was an absence of asbestos, following Mothra’s defeat at the hands of Godzilla and the Japanese armed forces. 
But, after returning in 1974, Mothra’s movements were so vigorous, that it released an untold amount of asbestos into the atmosphere, most of it still there.Scientists are unsure with how long the specific amount will last, but have a rough estimate that it is between forty years, or seven hundred thousand. To put that in perspective, that’s enough asbestos to fill  238 Pringles tubes. 

Wow! That's some very shocking news! Just think, if we don't act now then your Great to the power of 45 grandchildren could suffer horrible and damning qualities of living! WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN ACT ON THIS NOW. 

For more information, please look on these websites.


Asbestos was first discovered in the Capital of Europe in 1740, in a country called Finland, at the time known as Startland. 

It was discovered by a miner called Gelg Niffbogger, who inadvertently hit the first ‘asbestos pocket’ after some overzealous pickaxe work in one of the country’s marmite mines.
It was quickly bought to the attention of the government, who began selling it as an after dinner delicacy under orders from the king, a mentally retarded 11 year old boy. Here is an official painting of him comissioned at the time.

It cost nearly 50 generic gold coins per spoonful, and was merely a status symbol among the elite. Noted for its unusual flavour, it began making the rounds throughout Europe and the rest of the world, apart from Austria where they hate dessert.

 Niffbogger never learned of the danger he had unleashed on the world, he died in 1776, killed by an enraged neighbour who beat him with a shoehorn over an argument about the lifespan of elm trees.

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